Thursday, January 22, 2015

Oh Yeah!

I went on a date last night with something I would call a cross between a chipmunk and a stage 5 clinger.  As I was on the train this morning riding to work listening to a podcast I heard an absolute gem.  The reason my dating life is such a disaster, is because everything I learned about life is from the WWE.  Therefore everything l learned about relationships was from the Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth.  Probably not the best source.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I'm Back!

My New Year's Resolution was to start writing more, so here we go.  2 quick stories

1)  Don't get super safe while driving across the country going 80 mph while super safe at night.  I spent 3 weeks in Vail in December, so I decided to drive out.  But by the time I got out of the city it was 3:00 on a Friday.  After getting safe I realized I was going to have to drive at least another 8 hours in the pitch black. Without cruise control, I certainly would have perished.

2)  Last night I went out with two friends from a former job and I immediately reverted to form.  I blacked out for hours.   Woke up in the middle of the night with my contacts in.  Went to the bathroom to take them out, got dizzy and collapsed.  At that point I said fuck it and threw them in the trash.  I awoke this morning to a devoured bar of Bold & Spicy Chex Mix, incredible heart burn, and a missing backpack.  While trying to retrace my steps today I can vaguely recall having a cab take me to my old house and walking home.  I checked my credit card this morning to look for clues as to where my bag could be and saw that I spent $14 at Walgreens.  Chex Mix is like $3, what did I spend the rest on?  A few hours later the bar opened and they had my bag.  I just cracked a fine pilsner beer to celebrate.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Dark and Disturbed

The last two girls I've gone on multiple dates with have eventually met my friends.  This is generally a good thing.  Unfortunately, it appears that when they meet my buddy Chris, it is not.  I equate this to when George's girlfriend thought he was hilarious.  He was worried that when compared to Jerry, she would no longer find him funny.  As a result he asked Jerry to act Dark and Disturbed so that he would still seem funny.  I should have followed this strategy.

Unfortunately, my sthick about being a ski bum, starting a business, etc clearly doesn't hold up next to starting the same business and being a Costa Rican beach bum.  I should have just acted dark and disturbed from the beginning.


Thursday, February 20, 2014

Banging with Friends

I always thought the app/website Bang with Friends was genius.  Of course I logged and to see if anyone in my social circle needed to relieve some stress.  I was disappointed that no one was down to knock boots.  It turns out that no one ever actually used the app.

Fast forward to the launch of Tinder and I've now matched with four girls I used to date at one point in time. One of them even had a picture with me as her profile picture!  Perhaps they should have created an app around Bang your Ex.  Maybe even Zuck would put up a few $billion$.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The Stage 5-Clinger

After breaking up with my girlfriend it seemed logical that I would immediately re-download Tinder.  However, I realized quickly in my time away that a lot had changed.  What was a niche app with random chicks on it, had transformed into an app with way too many girls on it that I was actually friends with in real life.  I realized this was an issue when an ex gf's best friend asked CanCan why I was lying about my age on Tinder.  Why wouldn't I lie about my age on Tinder?  How else do you hook up with college chicks?

My next big Tinder issue was after a few dates and make out sessions with randoms, I went on a date with what I thought to be a normal red-blooded IU graduate.  I should have realized something was up when she told me that she had to work on our agreed upon date night.  I offered to reschedule, then she asked if it would be ok if she came directly from work in her scrubs.  I figured that was a bit odd for a girl on a first date, but appreciated the laid back nature so I was down.  Good date, but at the end after a make out sess, she asked what I was doing the next night.  I knew she was heading to Notre Dame for the weekend, so I mentioned grabbing drinks with buddies but was open to grabbing a bite before she left.   She readily agreed way too fast.

The next night was normal, but then she invited me back to her apartment before she left.  I was of course down, but nothing happened when I got up there other than making out.  When I tried to leave, she attempted to convince me to stay.  When I refused I got hit with, "When do you get back Sunday? (I was heading to Michigan)."  I said later in the afternoon and we would probably be at a bar watching football.

Fast forward to a hung over trail of tears coming back from Michigan and I was in no mood to see this girl and make out more.  My plans had changed to heading to my brothers and just watching with him and his gf.  So I told her it was just gonna be the 3 of us but she was still welcome to join assuming she would say no.  Of course she readily agreed to join.  Damnit.

My brother had bought a bunch of pumpkins to carve and the conversation shifted to our plans that week to go to McGees on Wednsday for their annual pumpkin carving.  So naturally she got invited to join that as well.

Fast forward to Monday morning and I get a text asking something about Wednesday that I ignored.   A few hours later I got a text asking if I was mad at her.  Now, I was started to get a little concerned.  Finally, when Wednesday arrived I told her that we planned to get there 6:30ish.  Naturally, I got a text at 5:30 that she was already there and saving a table for us.  At this point I'm pretty sure she is psychotic

When we arrived I could see she was already getting hammered on some sort of hot cider nonsense.  This clearly wasn't going to end well.  A few hours and a public make out at the table later she randomly peaced out and I never talked to her again thus ending the saga of the Stage-5-clinger.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Hashtag BD Time

What began as the Summer of BD quickly morphed into the Summer of BD with a 25 year old girlfriend.  Now, that my relationship status on Facebook is back to single and yet another ex-girlfriends status is set to married, its high time for some relaxation.  Naturally this means spending the every weekend traversing the midwest watching various sporting events and trying to think of new schemes to meet the next girl in the B.R.I.A.N. system.  

My first scheme of changing my age on Tinder was met with backlash when girls I knew pointed out the fact that I wasn't 28.  Nuts.  The second scheme centers around the Core Power Paradox.  So far I've found little to no opening to even possibly hit on anyone.  Part of that centers around the fact that I'm a sweaty mess, 25% of these girls are in college, 25% are married, and 25% are out of my league.  But, that still leaves a solid piece of the pie to take Barry Bonds-esque cuts at.  So I've declared this the month of #BrianTime.  I've purchased a Groupon for unlimited yoga for a month in order to get jacked, black out less and most importantly find a way to infiltrate this 25%  So far it's day 2, I couldn't sleep at all last night because I drank too much last weekend and my back is killing me.  #yesyesintheface.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Core Power Paradox

I always believed that yoga was useless stretching.  I knew and dated multiple people that were into yoga and they never struck me as anywhere near crazy in shape as the girls I see running at the gym and on the lake front.  I even got lured to try yoga a few times and left completely unimpressed without breaking much of a sweat.  Yet, about 6 months ago my brother convinced me to try Yoga Sculpt at Core Power (yoga in a 100 degree room with weights and cardio), and I was immediately addicted.  Since then I've noticed several paradoxes about the yoga world.

#1 Yoga can be fucking hard - My opinion did a 180.  I leave class completely exhausted drenched head to toe like I just finished high school football practice.  Add in a Saturday morning hangover and its near impossible to keep up.

#2  Yoga is fucking expensive, yet no one seems to pay for it - The pricing is absolutely absurd. $20 for a one hour class sitting on a 1'x4' mat that I provide or $185 unlimited?  So what do you do when your product is too expensive?  Have someone else pay for it.  I'd be shocked if more than 20% of the people in there actually pay themselves.  Its usually a mix of college girls, girls in their 20's and house wives.  All three groups live off the bank of mom and dad or their significant other.  This leaves someone like me shaking my head to the point where I actually made a fake student ID so I could get a discount.  Luckily, the yoga instructors who seem to bring in around 2.5-5K in revenue while teaching a one hour class in a small hot room, yet don't make any money, aren't too worried that my new ID doesn't have a picture, school logo, bar code, year and is from a school in Indiana.  It just says, "Senior."

#3 90% of the girls there are complete knockouts in incredible shape, yet the instructors are not -  I have no explanation for this.  If any girl asked me how to get in shape I wouldn't hesitate to say, "Yoga Sculpt."  When my buddy Tony attended once randomly he remarked, "The hardest part was not popping a boner."  Yet, most of the instructors seem to have guts that resemble Hulk Hogan's uni-ab.  However, instead of using a weight belt, they use Lulu Lemon to suck it all in.
#4  They are always trying to convince you to pay to become a teacher - Its bizarre to hear someone begging after every class for you to pay a bunch of money to reduce their own hours.  Perhaps they make so little cash they are hoping to sabotage themselves to force a career change.  Or maybe they get a teacher referral fee, all the while knowing that once "certified," they won't be able to find a class to teach (this happened to one of my exes).

All that said, see you at class today!

*** On another note, my posts have been quite infrequent due to the fact that I have been dating people lately.  I hope to pick up the pace with bachelor party and wedding season upon us!***

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The System Goes Down

Note: This post is over a year old, I just never had the nuts to post it.  Fuck it, here you go.

Since my last post about the B.R.I.A.N. System I've received two angry texts from ladies in the past.  I apologize for any hurt feelings as this blog is only intended for laughs and to make fun of the author.  They should feel better knowing that since then the system blew up in my face and I looked like a huge ass.

I've never dated two people at the same time.  It's never really been a moral thing, just the realization that it would be impossible.  One, the odds of two people liking me at the same time are so rare that I never thought it would be possible.  Two, the odds of crossing the streams seemed incredibly high.  Of course this is the situation I found myself in on Saturday as I imploded in spectacular fashion.

In the last 40 days...
I broke up with Girl A after dating a few months.
Went on a date with Girl B then she told me to get lost.
Both A and B objected to this post on the B.R.I.A.N. system.
I met girl C and went on a few dates.
I meet girl D and we hooked up.
I learned that one of girl C's friends was roommates with one of D's friends.

One week later while we were on a bar crawl I learned that this roommate had put the pieces together and girl C told I was a creep.  She informed me via text that she would not be joining this pub crawl.  Girl A was texting me and showed up at the bar right  as I started talking to a new girl E.  Girl A left angered and I ended up hooking up with girl E.  In the morning I learned that she lived in the burbs and had a tramp stamp.  Classy.

Perhaps I should switch to the Kobe System.



Saturday, January 26, 2013

Thievery

I can't recall stealing a lot of crap during my lifetime.  Aside from a lot pint glasses from Kilroys that Hess destroyed the night he shattered every glass we had including the blender, I'm no Thomas Crown.

I am however a miserable drunk at times.  Last night that lead to some sort of Maddoff-esque terrible scheme.  I was drinking at the bar w the gang when a girl I have been hitting on for years walked in.   Minus a few beers and a bourbon later, I don't recall the rest of the night.  

I woke up at 3 am and saw some bizarre texts from Cancan worrying about me getting in the house sans keys.  I spent 20 minutes searching for my iPhone then passed back out.

I woke up to the dreaded feeling of "what the fuck did I do last night?" and "how embarrassing will this story be?"

I marched up the steps from my cave and Cancan delivered my painful medicine.  Apparently in addition to being the creepiest man in America I also somehow ended up intentionally or not with the girl's boyfriends credit card.  I attempted to silence Cancan mid-stream, but he continued until I was thoroughly red in the face.

Fuck me.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Comparison Shopping

After my Match experience I've come to realize that I'm not a comparison dater.  In life, I've always just made decisions and had to live with the good or with the bad.  As any reader of this blog knows there has certainly been plenty of both.  Whether due to intoxication or my "just go with it" lifestyle I've never really had to consider too many alternatives, just had to live with the results.  I've ended up arrested, with broken bones, or with hilarious nights, and girlfriends that seemly popped out of nowhere.

I picked IU before I even knew if I got in anywhere else.  I never interviewed after college, i just moved to Vail.  My first job was my only job offer.  I took my current after only applying there.

That brings me back to my current dating scenario.  I've never tried to date multiple people at once in my life.  The experience has been miserable.  Trying to make it out with someone as your phone is exploding w texts and receiving new emails from potentially hotter girls led me to quit the whole thing and see where things went with the girls "still in play."  The problem with this strategy is that since I met them on Match they were still comparison shopping.  Comparing me to normal people is not the type of battle I can win.  Hopefully, the subscription runs out.