Steating and Chealing

Dog Yoga

2012-01-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

When you are hung over, you will do pretty much anything to occupy your mind so that you don't have to think about the crushing feeling of awfulness. Bad and I were struggling during our return from Bloomington a few weeks ago which lead to a new million dollar idea; Dog Yoga and the store where you can buy all things related, Lulu Paws.

A few jokes were made and the time passed swimmingly. Then I upped the ante and emailed 2 girls I used to date and another friend for their input on Dog Yoga. The exchange is priceless.

BD:
Friends that like yoga, is there such a thing as dog yoga? If not can it be invented? I'm smelling a million dollar idea

ST:
I love you but you are an idiot! and yes there is such a thing as dog yoga for people who are obsessed with their pets but i dont know those people!

Maybe a dog spa with yoga...how bout that!

H:
yes, there is a dog yoga it was more popular about 2 years ago, we did a class at lulu even! I personally am too cheap to go to those dog spas (petco works for kingston) but there is a market for it

BD:
Dubs? What is ur 2 cents ?
I'm smelling millions!

A-Dubs:
Honestly, I feel like there would need to be some scientific research to see if yoga is even beneficial for dogs to help market the classes. You could have some difficulties finding yoga instructors certified in teaching "dog yoga". Providing a facility to teach dog yoga could bring up a challenge as well. Lastly, having a room filled with all types of dogs could lead to some potential issues with lack of focus from barking, cuddling/necking amongst the dogs, etc. Sorry to kill your hopes and dreams for the next million dollar idea. If it isn't already available at Lulu, I would think yoga clothing for dogs or a dog sitting service while their owner is taking a yoga class might offer a larger market base.

And Now for the Real World

2011-12-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

Its been a great 5 and half year run, but its time for me to pack my bags and leave my lucrative line of work as a VP of Social Media aka in charge of nothing but making ridiculous statements, regurgitating buzz words like "disrupt," and generally being responsible for nothing but awesomeness. I will definitely miss the Friday's working from IU, rocking flip flops and shorts, wearing dress t-shirts (of which the definition has always alluded me), having free parking, and leaving for 2 hours at lunch to tackle my exercise bulimia.

But most of all I will miss the people. The good, the bad, and the crazy. Well, mostly the crazy. I've never really been able to explain my job to outsiders except that our CEO is best described as a mad scientist. He created a multi-million dollar company out of nothing without a cent of debt, yet also makes up words and is prone rants that defy any level of practicality. So while I document a few of the crazier things I've heard over time, take them with a grain of salt.

I Dropped Rails on Them

The exec team was having a dinner at Sully's after courting a partner for most of the day. Admittedly I was incredibly hungover the entire day, so I kept my mouth shut and tried to nod along for most of the meetings. This was apparently a very poor strategy. Dinner was progressing smoothly when things took a turn for the worse when I was accused of being a White Sox at a Cubs autograph session. A two hour lecture began about "teaching" us (me and one of the other execs) how to properly engage a partner. The highlight of the night when we were told that our CEO had wowed the crowd by explaining that we were now writing code in rails. "Did you notice how I dropped Rails on them? That technique let them know we were on the cutting edge." Since the conversation was with an Harvard engineer who had written thousands of lines of code I doubt it was the game-changer that was advertised

Me First

I ranted about the stupidity of this guy in my column wrapping up 2010 but his follow up act is too funny to not list here. We actually paid this moron thousands of dollars to construct a branding vision. Of course we immediately re-did it a year later. During which time he brought out a new book suggesting that capitalism is broken, but we can fix it if we only buy his book.

I'm on Fucking Tweetdeck

In the run-up to hiring this Austrailian moron we had several loud matches about the validity of the expertise. The best came on the day where I introduced the ceo to tweetdeck. He went on a rant to our vp of sales "You don't know this shit. I'm on fucking tweetdeck." That logic sealed the deal and the check was written

The Time Machine

Speaking of the brand vision... we contantly changed everything from the name, logo, corporate mission, tag line, colors, and general language of what we do. Much like everything over the past 5+ years there was a lot of incredibly visionary stuff and a lot of things that left me scratching my head. The last round was by far the most out there culminating with the invention of a new word.

On one of the final revision days we sat through a 2 hour plus meeting discussing each and every word of the infamous Brand Stack. I foolishly disagreed with a few of the wording choices before realizing that this was a nod your head meeting. As he was ranting about the importance of saving time being the most the most valuable commodity in the world I pictured in my head Doc Brown's time machine and almost started laughing. The ranting continued for another 45 minutes and soon I was worried that I wouldn't get out of the meeting in time to go to the Cubs game that day. My only way to to tell the time was to glance at the ceo's watch. By the time the ranting ended I was 15 minutes late. As I walked out of the office I saw a clock on the wall and I realized I was actually perfectly on time. OF COURSE he keeps his watch 15 minutes fast.

Operation Wheel

As we discussed launching a mobile application, he grabbed his iPhone and stated, "See this! This is the most important invention of our life time. This is more important than the wheel." Granted I like my iPhone but calling it a game changing invention over a Blackberry is a reach. Calling it more important than the wheel is like assuming Zeus causes lightning.

Anonymous

I wasn't present for this chat but its priceless.

He was discussing sales with our VP of sales going back and forth. The conversation had prety much run its course and they were silent for a few seconds. Then the ceo perked up and asked if he had ever heard of the company called Anonymous. When he answered no the response was "I know you haven't. They are a media company that only works with the best. No one can find them. That's how we should be."

I'm pretty sure every other day of work we focussed on the ability to have people find us.

No Mas

After a 4 hour meeting we were asked why we hadn't hung posters to memorialize the 3rd Eye Blind concert he decided to host even though there was no budget. As we stared back in disbelief that hanging posters was added to our job descriptions he went on a rant about the need for us to act like "owners." As he sounded off I thought f you would like increase my salary to an acceptable rate for someone who has helped scale your business about $30 million in 3.5 years or give me non worthless stock I might feel the need to worry about posters.

By the time I started paying attention again he was telling some ridiculous story where he yelled at Mexican workers that were being loud. At this point he stood up slammed the table and said "I told them NO MAS!"

And so five plus years on insanity has me saying no mas. Adios muchachos.

Already Over the Hill

2011-10-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

I was out with a few friends last night two of which are married and another that is more or less engaged and the topic of invitations to wedding and more importantly wedding presents came up. We started joking that the older you got married the likelihood of receiving better gifts sky rockets. This makes perfect sense to me, as I only give gifts around 365 days after the wedding to conserve precious drinking cash flow. Immediately, the joke was made that I'll easily get the best gifts due to my desire to only marry money and the fact that there is no way I'll be getting married before 40.

A little chuckle was had and the conversation moved, but on the walk home some math started tumbling through my head. Between Skiiing, Holidays, Lake Weekends, Football Season, and a few (i.e. many) nights when I'm blacked out that my chances of meeting anyone before 40 our extremely slim. Also consider the fact that in the last 10 years I've had about 2.5 "real" relationships and that window seems smaller.

In the Last year out of 52 Weekends I spent approximately:
8 at Indiana Games
4 skiing
5 At Lake Houses
3 at Weddings (and contrary to Wedding Crashers the open bar and lack of single girls make it a near impossibility for me to hook up)
3 at Bachelor Parties
1 in Vegas

So I'm down to 28 weekends total. Divide that in half due to Blackouts and I'm at a total of 14 potential weekends a year to meet a girl.

Consider that you have to live with a girl for at least a year before you get engaged for a year, that I will have more weddings and bachelor parties as I age, and I want to spend more time in Vail and I figure I've got around 100 total weekends if I'm going to get marries before 40.

The Sign of a Good Time

2011-09-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

After another long weekend at IU tailgating, I woke up Sunday morning on our rig and decided to a few beers while cleaning. This led to a very quick downhill slope and I was hammered in about 10 minutes. I got so hammered that at our traditional lunch of Wings at Buffalo Louis's, in a matter of a few minutes I had so much beer and wing sauce spilled on me that I had to buy a new t-shirt from the restaurant. TFM.

Ups and Downs

2011-09-05T13:56:00.001-07:00

Part I

I headed out to San Fran for the week to attend the giant Salesforce conference with 3 friends from work and to network in the land of the liberals. The trip did not begin well.

7:06 Fat man asks to trade seats so he can sit next to his hideous wife. I am now next to a 2 year old. Not a strong start

8:27 The 2 year old has puked. My seat stinks. The fat man has a shit eating grin on his fave as I stand in the aisle passed. More kids are crying. My new computer wont play any volume so I can watch the movie I rented. Where the fuck is my beer?

8:30 With no movie I will have to read the book my boss recomends I read; The Likability Factor. I do not want to be likable right now.

8:32 Beer arrives.

8:34 Beer is finished.

8:35 The stewardess saves me from hell and moves me to a new seat in the first row.

8:36 Beer is now comped. Life is good.

The live blog died out at that point but the trip that started poorly started to rebound after that. The conference consisted of me trying to dress dot com or Jos A and trying to not have my head explode with a combo ideas and complete bafflement hearing words like social enterprise in the clouds built on a new platform native to html5 wrapped in heroku for quick facebook deployment.

Our first night had uss meeting up with Whopelloti in China town where we went to what looked to be the scariest bar in America. It turned out to be incredible. We were the only people in the dungeon like room with no tvs and one light with a bathroom in the basement that was only accessable by locked gate. The key to its greatness was playing liars dice with bar tender for rounds of some Chicom version of yager bombs. After a few rounds we headed across the street where we headed into an open kichen door and up a stair case into a restaraunt with no sign. The food was great and the total bill for 4 of us was $25. After more liars dice we headed home for the night.

Night 2 started with a Metallica concert. There is something awesome about watching Lars play his first corporate gig for the same nerds at a cloud computing conference. Maybe his opinion of Napster has changed. The night eneded just like the first playing liars dice in china town and a late night $30 tab at the restarunt.

We wrapped the week going to dinner and drrinking a lot of wine then somehow getting into a free corporate party where i drank a lot of scotch. The night then once again we hraded to chinatown where we sang karaoke at a tiny bar.

Apparently after that we got pizza where i was so blacked out that i ate bubbling hot pizza. I awoke in the morning to an absolutlely fried mouth. Great night.

The other giant task i had to accomplish this week was Dont run in to the Bulgarian. I knew she was going to be there ahead of time and had two close calls. The first was just beefore the concert and the second time i had to crouch down on an elevator to avoid detection. I credit the 2nd close call success to my new hair cut. Perhaps in tne future i shouldnt break up with crazy pepople that live 2 blocks away by defriending and deleting their number.

I am now once again back on the plane heading to indianapolis for the IU game on part 2 of this epic trip. I may be making this plane voyage more often if steating and chealing relocates to SanFran. The trip that started awful has everything coming up millhouse!

Part 2 A turn for the worse.(note: these times are approximate)

4:50 MST Friday night lights ends on the in flight TV and Frasier comes on next. Awful.

4:55 I learn that our plan will not be going to Denver. We are going to Cheyenne, Wyoming. Super.

5:45 The good news is that our flight will be the 1st to fly back to Denver. Im thrilled.

6:45 We land in Denver and I learn my flight is moved to 8:00.

7:30 Did we say 8? We meant 8:30.

8:40 The power just went out and we need to "reboot" whatever the hell that means.

9:40 The lights are back on but we still haven't left. I just realized that I left my ipod on the last plane. Rad.

9:45 The other side of the airport is closed. We will now wait for them.

9:55 Thurman Thomas gets hurt in my Super Techmo Bowl season. Why wouldn't he?

10:00 In the air at last.

3:00 am EST I finally land in Indy and head to grab a cab. I hate life.

3:30 $90 later I'm locked out at the front gate in front of the Bridgewater Club. Bapp5 and Drunk Jeff are not answering so I am forced to crawl under the gate and walk to the Henke compound.

3:35 Why wouldn't the doors be locked?

3:36 I'm in the sun porch in back of the house and I can see Jeff passed out on the couch about 8 feet away.

3:37 This drunken sot isn't waking up, I'm sleeping out here.

6:30 The sprinklers come on the golf course. I'm up for the day.

7:30 I finally call Jeff and I'm back in doors!

10:00 RV and IU football season are here!

12:30 The tailgate is set! New 60 inch is rocking.

1:30 When is game time? Its about 90 degrees and I've already crushed 5 beers.

2:30 Already drinking water.

6:00 Completely hammered getting some sort of relationship advice. I have no idea what we are talking about and just nodding.

7:00 Sometime!

8:00 We are miserable. Thank god we can buy beer at this game.

10:00 IU just lost to Ball f-ing state. I need to pass out now.

12:00 We just made it back to Bridgewater. Apparently I missed the entire post game tailgate, time for some cocktails.

1:30 I just walked into not the right guest bedroom, heading to the basement and making Bapp5 share his bed.

9:00 Time to head to Lake Wawassee!

10:00 Can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning!

12:00 The sandwich cellar looks like an awesome hole in the wall bar in the middle of nowhere to stop at.

12:30 Moon the towns next to us is explaining how Jim Irsay forced him to pay for a new stadium then sold the naming rights. He feels he is now owed the money.

2:00 Drinking at the lake.

7:00 nap time.

8:30 Drinking at the lake.

12:?? Out.

All in all an insane 6 days. My liver is ready for a break and I am ready for football season!

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2011-08-11T07:35:00.000-07:00

It should come as no surprise to my readers that I suck at breaking up with girls. I can count anything resembling a relationship on one hand and most of them prefer to get rid of me before I ever come close to breaking up with them. Somehow I had to do it twice this summer and both times were not fun. I tried to pad the first one using the Costanza strategy:

It didn't really work so I had to do it the grown up way. (Note: Its been a while so hopefully if she reads this she won't be incredibly angry).

I then started dating a Bulgarian who I later deemed crazy after she freaked on a DVD player. I was far too scared to break up with her So I decided to go the coward route. I was with her at Castaways and thought of just leaving and never talking to her again so I texted my buddy MJ what would be the best way out.

He told me to "Leave and text that you had a massive attack diarrhea. Trust me she will never talk to you again."

The strategy seemed solid except that G$ CanCan and Dog showed up and I couldn't go that route. So I shifted to the defriend on Facebook and delete phone number move and pray she doesn't call me again.

This seemed strong except she lives a few blocks away and I was worried she would see my long hair from afar and attack. So I shaved my head so she couldn't find me.

Worked like a Charm!

Credit Check

2011-07-31T09:41:00.001-07:00

A few years ago I had to go on what was deemed the credit crawl after St passus day. I visited 3 bars to retrieve my various credit cards left around the city. I ended up hammered and making out with a girl at a picnic table at Prost.

This morning was a similarly funny adventure. After spending the day drinking at g-money's pool and having a corn roast I headed out for the night. I recall being at State and not being able to to talk to girls and that's about it.

I woke up and realized I had no ID or credit card so I assumed they were at state. I then got a text from my brothers girlfriend saying how she saw me with her mom last night and wondered if I remembered. I did not.

I then journey up to State to retrieve my cards but after a lengthy search she could not produce my credit. As my heart sank a new thought popped in my head. If I was blackout drunk where would I go? McGees to hit on college girls of course!

So I walk next door and as soon as I walk I. He door a pretty bartender says, "you're back." as she fetched my cards she continued on to mention "you were not sober when I served you last night."

As I hot back in the car I was informed by cancan that he was rooting against me finding them when he saw me walk across the street so we could have credit crawl 2.

Yep. This is my life.

A forgotten Post

2011-06-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

I forgot that I wrote a post on my iPhone coming home from Cooperstown so even though I already posted about the weekend, here ya go:

I spent the weekend in Cooperstown, ny for my roommate in vail, Frostys wedding. A wedding naturally leads to lots of old stories and since I was a bit of an outsider to all the east coasters, the stories on me were rather limited. Almost every story on me focussed on two things: blacking out and rooting for IU.

While im proud of both themes, two main stories emerged that I'd like to share.

1) the night where I left a pizza in the oven, my roommates came home and found smoke everywhere and after putting out the fire put the burned pizza in my bed with me. I woke up and went skiing.

2) the day of the USC vs Notre dame game when I woke up, watched IU lose, watched the nd SC game, drank an 18 pack, went on a 5 mile run, had to stop mid-way and pooped in a river, then went to work.

I write this completely hammered on plane coming home with a busy week ahead. I'm not too worried.

I should have been worried.

A Rough Weekend

2011-06-21T09:55:00.001-07:00

I arrived at the Opium Den on Friday after work around 6:00 to find Bad, G$ and Dietz already giggly drunk. They had apparently been pounding bras and Arnold Palmers since the early afternoon. I stuck with the beer while we waiting for the legendary Sarrey to arrive.

By the time he got there we were in the middle of a Safety meeting and he later remarked, "I was unsure if they were getting ready for bed or getting ready to go out."

Now that we had eliminated any safety hazards we headed out from the Den to everyone's favorite local watering hole, the Blue Agave. G$ was now getting aggressive drunk as he grabbed the menu and immediately ordered an array of Mexican meats and cheeses. The ladies we were with ducked out to smoke some cool sticks so we helped ourselves to their margs and refilled their glasses with water.

After two margs and a few beers G$ grabbed the bill and declared us ready to head "out" for the night. We met Doochi and a few guys at Fireplace where Grant then declared "Good, I can head home now that Sarrey has met up with Doochi." After a vodka lemonade he headed out. I stayed for another few gin and tonics before finally bailing.

We headed back to the Den the next day at noon to continue our rampage at G$'s pool. We were a bit unsure what to do because he was MIA on Beluga but knocked on his door nevertheless. After a few minutes he emerged and he explained he had just woken up and he forgot his phone in a cab the night before. He realized it a second later but in his weakened state was unable to chase it down the street.

We headed down to the pool for a full day of drinking where I struck up a convo with a straight off the boat Bulgarian and I somehow acquired digits. We partied until we were kicked out of the pool area for breaking the rules around 5, so we grilled out and headed back up to the Den to finish the beer. To up the stakes a bit we decided to play suits and blew threw 36 beers in about 30 minutes.

I headed home for a quick cat nap and met the gang out at Wells on Wells for more consumption that centered around rounds of bar die for shots. Sarrey could sense the end was near so he ordered tons of food. No effect. He was passed out sitting at the bar a few minutes later. Out of the blue CanCan got a text from a lady indicating she had a friend who wanted meet me at some clubby club and we were off.

We walked into one of the riskiest risky clubby club scenes I have ever seen; lots of gay dudes dressed in sailing gear surrounded by hot chicks. Naturally the target that lured me in, said goodnight upon seeing my drunken state. We stayed for a few scotches while I miserably hit on a few girls and then headed home.

Along the way we throw yet another fork in the road and stopped at Walgreen's to stock up on more beer. When we walked in the door and remembered that we had a guest on the couch, so we headed up to the Eagle's Nest for late night beers. As a sign of our stupidity I OK'd smoking in my room.

My blurry Funday included: While cleaning my room having an outlook reminder pop up and remind me that I have to be at work in 15 minutes, racing to work, reading about Bulgaria on Wikipedia, listening to CanCan and Kern strategerize for what seemed like hours about their planned meal, Facebooking the Bulgarian, going to Whole Foods, asking out the Bulgarian, picking up Bad so he could avoid a Tony's "date" with his Aussie friend, passing out and finally falling down my steps in the middle of the night while getting water.

At Least I'm not this Bad

2011-06-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

My bender continued through the weekend however its good to know I've got a ways to go.

My good buddy at work spent the weekend at a Bachelor party in Nashville, TN. Their odyssey began driving a limo from Chicago on Friday and stopping at Nick's English Hunt along the way. Their legendary buddy Shooter got so messed up in TN that he got lost and couldn't remember where their hotel was located. He decided to remedy this fact by partying with bums named Larry, Vernon and Billy the Kid in a courtyard. He bought them Natty Light and Parliaments so he was immediately accepted to their circle. After several hours of drinking he finally got around to asking where the hotel was. They pointed across the street to hotel.

He enjoyed his night so much that he returned the next night after he had lost his cell phone. The bums thanked him for his previous generosity by robbing him.

So I'm feeling a little better about my own stupidity. Which is nice.

The Hits Keep Coming

2011-06-17T06:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended the Brewers Scrubs game with my brother and the gang. I got pretty close to black out drunk, then walked all the way to Joe's on Weed for a work event. Along the way I stopped at 7 eleven for Gatorade and Red Bull. A few block later having been refreshed with caffeine I decided to to stop at Starbucks for a sandwich and coffee. In Bruce logic this should make you sober. In reality it does not. I recall taking a tequilla shot and then nothing. The receipt in my pocket this morning indicates that I went to Boston Market for a chicken and a cookie.

This was at 10:00 pm. I blacked out around 8. What happened in the middle? I will update the blog today as I learn any details of my stupidity.

Update 1: Apparently I was buying rounds of shots. My credit card, ID and bill waiting at Joe's will not be kind.

Update 2: There were multiple bets wondering if I would be able to come in today.

Update 3: Email from my brother - I got a call from your phone around 9:45; it was not you on the phone, but a coworker who was trying to call someone to come get you because she thought you were too drunk to get home by yourself. I asked her to put you on the line and told you it was time to leave. You seemed to get the message and said, "OK, I am going to leave. I love you."

Update 4: Email from Can Can - Kern and I got home around 10 o'clock. We heard a noise coming from the kitchen, sort of like the sound of a raccoon scrounging through a tin garbage can. I tell Kern, "I guess BD's home." We come in the kitchen to see BD standing in the dark with his hand full of pretzel sticks (not rods) and another hand holding a peanut butter jar. The hand holding the pretzels was covered in peanut butter. The pretzel's had a bit of peanut butter. Noticing the Joe's wristband on his person, I asked BD how Joe's was. He told me, "It'll getcha." BD and I proceeded to point out to him the various places in the kitchen that were now home to either stray pretzels or dollops of peanut butter. BD shrugged, ate his fistful of somewhat peanut butter dipped pretzels and trounced up to bed. Rob and I had a good laugh at his expense as we cleaned up his raccoon like carnage.

And in case you were wondering, at no point could BD make eye contact with either Kern or me.

You've Got Options

2011-06-15T07:58:00.001-07:00

I spent the weekend in Cooperstown, NY for my old roommate in Vail, Frosty's wedding. It was the first time that I was with all three of my old roommates, Frosty, Saint and Softy, since I left 5 years ago. Naturally, we got shitfaced the entire weekend and I ended up hammered on a plane Sunday night trying to scribble down notes from when I wasn't blacked out on the weekend.

The highlight was probably Friday night. After attending a cocktail party at a super old money country club we headed back to our shitty motel overlooking the lake. We were partying in the courtyard for about an hour when the owner came out and warned us with three options. One option was sleep, another was police related, and I have no idea what the third was. Immediately one drunkard offered to, "Buy him out." He was not amused. One neighbor inquired how much longer this would last but was dismayed with the answer of, "Only one more night."

In the morning the owner informed us that he had to refund everyone staying at the motel that wasn't in the wedding (30%) of guests. He also reiterated that our options were over. If we had a repeat the cops would be called. Out of Options? Bullshit. We responded by getting so black out drunk at the wedding and after party that there would be no need wake up any more guests.

The morning began with Saint cutting himself while chugging a beer and bleeding all over a nice hand written note from Frosty. Solid start. We then headed out to the country to drink ubber strong beer at a local brewery. At the wedding I was overwhelmed with drinking options and naturally chose poorly with scotch. I attempted to switch to 7 and 7's, then beer, then the 5 hours of energy, but the damage was done. I remember dancing, sweating, and large amounts of fireworks. My macking was also interrupted by too many options as I apparently shifted focus mid-wedding from one girl to another (I couldn't begin to tell you what was said. Softy informed me in the morning that it wasn't pretty).

Life is all about options. Some of my friends have opted to get married, have kids, buy homes, act responsible from to time. I have opted to act like I'm 21, stay single, black out, rent, and own an RV. Hopefully option 2 works out for me.

The Cologne of Man

2011-05-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

When I'm drunk I usually wake up with a half drank can of beer next to me. This inevitably leads to about once a month waking up to a bed covered in beer. This morning I woke up to the delicious smell of being covered in whiskey (we were out of beer). This only re-affirms my belief that a cologne that smells like cologne and firewood/smoke would be the G.O.A.T>

A few Randoms...

2011-05-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

Why is Vail a great place? A girl walked into a department and my buddy remarks, "I already packed you some safety," and her eyes light up like Christmas morning.

You know you had a rough/drunk night when the next morning everyone you see that you were partying with remarks, "How are you feeling today?"

My girlfriend is kind of like a vegan caveman. A vegan who doesn't use a toaster or public transit. Quite Bizarre.

Is there anything worse than being on a long flight home and weighing the pros of having a cocktail and the cons of the alcohol sweats when try to sleep?

Life a Quarter of a Mile at a Time

2011-05-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

I write this with a bizarre light headed patriotic feeling that can best be described as some sort of limbo between being well rested and extremely hungover. This weekend a giant celebration for CanCan's b-day and as I leave it behind my liver is in need of break before I head to LA this weekend.

We spent Saturday re-creating a Friday college tradition of "40's at 4" and then went to see what is sure to be remembered as one of the great action flicks of all time, Fast Five. Of course we couldn't wait until 4 to start drinking so we started with a "cocktail hour" at 3, Of course, that was still too late so we started around 1ish.

G$ arrived with Arnold Palmers (more on that later) and I was pretty buzzed by the time I cracked my first 40. By the time I finished forty number two, filled up my flask for the show and took shots of 5 hour energy mixed with Vodka I was pretty hammered.

How hammered? We took two cabs to the movie and one stopped at McGees for shots on the way. The usher had to come and talk to us about 15 minutes into the movie. I lost and found my phone on the floor during the movie. I got some bizarre texts that are totally inexplicable to me. I have no clue what the plot of the movie other than I would describe it as awesome. I literally will have to go back to the movie to figure what the plot is.

The night then headed us to Pequods and to the Blue Frog where I blacked out and have no clue how I got home.

I arose in the morning to fin our relatively trashed and the door to our back patio ripped off things and lying in the alley. Naturally, I poured myself an Arnold Palmer. Among the things accomplished on the day: An Episode of Gossip Girl, Star Trek on Netflix, a trip to Whole Foods, lunch at Benchmark, passing out at 7, and waking up to the death of Osama Bin Laden.

Solid weekend

The Schedule

2011-04-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

My life appears to be on a schedule now. The schedule used to be get drunk and in between go to class. The schedule now has to do with work, working out, weddings, birthday parties, ski trips, football games work "retreats" and other nonsense. In the process I have become absolutely obsessed with planning out my drunken plans.

The good: I usually wake up with a G2 or other plans to hydrate nearby. I almost always remember "build a base" before going out. I try to schedule "sober nights" to make sure I'm fully hydrated for the weekend. I usually have something cool to do Thursday-Saturday.

The bad: I'm a fucking nerd.

I'm already scheduled through summer in Outlook, Google and Facebook (not to mention random requests from the parents). This will not be the summer of George.

The Gambler

2011-03-28T06:07:00.001-07:00

Every group of friends has a gambler. The guy who needs to have action on every type of sporting event, no matter if he had any clue about the sport or not. I have one friend working on a full proof "System" for betting on the EPL. I have another who pays for his picks on sports he doesn't know about. Basically he is the guy paying Matt McConaughey in one the worst/funniest movies of all time, Two for the Money.

I'm not a big gambler. The idea of losing money on a sports game is so infuriating to me that winning wouldn't make a hill of beans. The gamble I like to take is how far can I push my body before I break down into a hangover so miserable that I stare at a computer screen and slowly drink coffee while I have the shakes all day. The sad thing is I can probably predict all of these moments ahead of time, but can't seem to stop myself from seeing how far I can take it. Saint Patrick's day was just one of those times this year.

Saint Patrick's Day came at interesting timing for me this year. After the normal Saturday rager I had to jump on a flight to Vegas the next day for a work social function. I knew I wouldn't be able to restrain myself ahead of time, but also knew this would not be pretty. So what did I do? Start by going out Thursday and Friday before Saint Pats.

By the time, the morning of Saint Pats rolled around I was already operating at half speed, but when CanCan started blasting tunes at 7:00 I rolled out of bed to the gym to start the day That is the other part to this insanity. I still somehow work out during these benders. Many times half blacked out. I met Cugh at Haligan around 9:30 to start pounding Guinness and get hopefully drunk, but not too wasted. The chances of that happening were about .0001%. When Bad showed up and started buying car bombs it was all downhill from there.

I passed out around 5 but was woken up an hour alter by a call from my concerned mother. She knew of my plans and wanted to make sure that I had gotten home safe. I took her call thinking it was already 6 the next day and started scrambling worrying my alarm had not gone off due to daylight savings. After a few frantic moments I calmed down and took that chance to get up and chug two Gatorades. Unfortunately, my early bed time led to an extremely early wake up at 3 am. I once again hit the gym and was on the train to the airport by 9 am.

Sleep on the plane? Nope, Heinekens. I touched down in Vegas and met up with the Condor who soared in from Cali for the event. Work at really splurged for a luxurious room at the Pyramid known as the Luxor. Why anyone thought it would be a good idea to build a giant pyramid is beyond me, so we immediately headed over to the Aria where some other guys from work were staying.

2 hours in. $200 down. A;ready furious we headed to dinner. Afterwards MJ touched down and I lost another $100 before deciding to cash it in at 9:00.

I was awoken around 5 am to the sound of someone puking. I rolled over to see the Condor hunched over the ground. I yelled over, "thats in the garbage right?" He muttered some form of yes and I rolled back over.

After a few more minutes and more puking sounds, MJ went to take a leak and found his foot buried in puke. Lights on, questioning begins. "Condor, What the F?#$?" "I didn't puke," was his rather timid response. After seeing the evidence he looked at us with a satanic look and began incoherent rambling about his plans to leave Vegas in a few hours as he tired to clean using toilet paper.

I shook my head in disgust and headed to the gym to join the other crazies with eating disorders and extremely old people that no longer sleep. I returned from the gym to meet MJ and go grab some coffee on the strip. After a coffee at a risky joint we were cruising down the strip when all of a sudden Condor soared in with a crazy look in his eye. He immediately bought three beers and a shot of expresso. He quickly took the shot and started chugging a beer. Seconds later he started gasping yelling about a burned throat from the expresso shot. Genius.

The rest of the vaca involved clubby clubs, blacking out, limos and chealing with NFL guys. The highlights can't be stated in this blog, but the result was an incredibly hungover/half drunk BD conducting a conference call while finishing all the beers left in the room and having Condor play the soundtrack to The Social Network. I then chugged beers at the airport, was informed that I , couldnt get on a plane with a beer, and finally passed out in chicago,

I woke up at 4 am with one of my Top 10 hangovers of all time. Somehow I made it to work in the a.m. with the shakes and a wicked case of gambling with extreme alcohol poisoning.

Welcome to the Future

2011-02-28T06:37:00.000-08:00

Growing up I always set a target death date of around 30. I was always rooting for an avalanche or some quick death that would make for a nice gravestone. I figured by the time I was 30 most of my friends would be married, having kids, living in the suburbs and I would want no part of it. I also figured that by 2011 we would be driving flying cars and the world would generally resemble Back to the Future II.

Well, I'm 30 now. I just got taken home early from my surprise birthday party because I blacked out and was completely wasted. Our cars don't fly and the future more resembles The Net instead of Back to the Future II. That didn't stop my dad from believing in amazing technological advances.

Sunday morning as we were pulling into my brother's building he turned to ask my brother how to get in the garage. My brother simply told him to speak the password "Optimus Prime" into the speaker box and the door would open. Incredibly he actually rolled down the window and yelled "Optimus Prime!" as loud as he could then stared confused as the door didn't open.

Amazing.

Go-To Move

2011-02-18T10:45:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am heading to Redmond's for a happy hour. During my gmail conversations with my friends to convince them to join I received the following.

Note to those considering joining BD for said happy hour:

The last time BD went to Redmond’s for the “get really drunk for really cheap” deal, he was hazed because of his slow drinking and ended the night googly-eyed and leaning against the wall by the door of the women’s restroom trying to pick up women because it was his assertion his odds would be better at such a locale. Genius!

Vail 2011

2011-02-03T08:17:00.000-08:00

As I write this on the plane ride home, I'm on about 4 hours sleep and am sitting next to two hicks from Nebraska who are incredibly fat and annoying, so I apologize if some of this makes little to no sense.

I spent the last week in Vail striking an odd balance between a grown up with a real job and a ski bum. On one hand I participated on 5 + hours of conference calls during ski hours, didn't steal anything, bought new ski boots, got very few local discounts, and was in bed before 11 every night. Of the friends I hung out with one is engaged, two more are living with their girlfriends another has been with his current girlfriend for a while, one couple was married, another just had his first baby two weeks ago and I shockingly still have a girl who will talk to me.

On the other hand I passed out every night, slept in three different locations, ate free granola bars for breakfast and saltines with hot sauce for lunch, never turned down a safety meeting, broke a ski and fixed it somehow and was a general mess a lot of the time.

I flew out Tuesday night spent the night on John's couch and woke up a the crack to hit it. I met up with Frosty who flew in from Boston, Softy who is best known for "taking chicks down," and John who skis every single day no matter what.

Vail had just been pounded with 4 feet of snow the day before so we spent our morning chasing the remnants of the powder. I had to jump on a conference call early on the day, so I just plugged my iPhone into my helmet speakers and threw the phone on mute. It worked really well stopping a few times to make comments and then keep going. I even got to participate in a safety meeting while on mute. The only hiccup was when Softy rode past a injured girl in a toboggan. Her boyfriend felt that it was a little too close and he started ripping into softy in the liftline. Softy let him know that he didn't give a fuck about his girlfriend and that he was in perfect control. This led to all of us turning around Frosty realizing that he actually knew the guys yelling at softy. After an awkward pause the hostilities continues until Ski Patrol told us all to shut up. Softy conceded that he would apologize to ski patrol but not the guy "chirping" in his ear. Crisis averted I finished off my call and we meet up with Adam to finish our day and head to Garfs.

We immediately got aggressive and started pounding bras. Everyone was busting my balls about the conference call and I let it slip that I was promoted to a vp which was a huge mistake. Soon I was buying shots for everyone and the night started to get blurry. Adam, John and I then had a quick safety meeting in the alley behind Barts then headed in for more beers. The idea was floated that we should head to East Vail and go hot tubbing. Even though all of my stuff was at John and Amy's pad in Vail I readily agreed provided someone could supply me with a contact case. So we headed out and again it was decided that I should buy more booze. In honor of Australia day at vail we drink super tall/fat boy fosters, got safe, sat in he hot tube, cooked frozen pizza and I passed out sitting up on the couch.

I awoke around 6 and immediately looked for my phone and contacts. After a short search I grabbed Adams phone to call mine and found it logically under the couch. The contact search was quick as they were sitting right next to me in the contact case I requested. I vaguely remembered having some difficulty taking them out and as I opened the case I saw in horror that only one contact was in the case. I figured seeing with one eye was good enough so i reached into the case and quickly realized that I actually had put both contacts on top of each other. This presented a new problem, which one went in each eye? I tried a few combos, jumped in Adams shower, brushed my teeth with my finger, put on the same clothes from the day before (and underwear from 2 days prior), downed a PBR while waiting for the bus, and rode into town with Frosty. I met up with my uncle and aunt to ski in the morning before heading into the lodge for another conference call. Two hours and several beers later I headed back out to finish up my day. The biggest hiccup was by the end of the day I realized that my vision was way off and my contacts were actually in the wrong eyes.

I walked into Garfs to see Frosty and Danger who had just flown in from the east coast with his brother. I believe this is his now his 3rd attempt at living in hue "real world.". We also met up with a friend of Frosty's, Sutton and his wife Emily. After a few beers I headed back to john's to shower and finally change my underwear.

John got back from work and we got extremely safe and headed to the village to meet everyone for dinner. I remember being incredibly safe, saying anything that came to mind and generally getting laughs at my state of being. We capped the night off with some Jack and shots of gravy at the George. John and I then decided to again get super safe and hit the sack.

Friday was another awesome day on the mountain highlights by the fact that I had no conference calls! We sat in the sun at Los Amigos for a lunch of Margs and chips and salsa, then filled a backpack of beer and headed up to the top o the mountain for FAC with frosty, sutton, Emily and Gay Western. I had to meet my aunt, uncle, and Bill/kass two very good family friends so I kept it to about 5 beers. At 5 I got ready to leave so i could catch a ride to dinner at 530. I strapped in put on beastie boys and got ready to aggressively rip down the mountain. I took one turn and immediately ate it. My first thought was what the hell? I'm not safe and my drinks are still in the single digits? I then saw just my binding sitting next to me and realized I had ripped it off my ski. Everyone came down laughing before realizing what happened. Without a brake the ski flew about a bile down the hill and no one had seen where it ended up. So I attempted to ski down on one ski before a worker thankfully picked me up on a snow mobile. I got back my old ski shop and Adam set me up with skis for the morning while I began mentally preparing to buy new skis. I didn't have long as Bill arrived to drive me to dinner. We got smashed on Margs at the Saloon as I told stories of the day. I got a ride back from Bill and then headed back to Garfs with John and met up with LRich who was randomly also in town. I was rambling about how pissed i was that i lost my ski as John kept telling me confidently that we would find it. After a few there we headed back for one more late night meeting to discuss the latest in safety techniques.

I headed up wig John first thing in the morning to look for a needle in a haystack and immediately found my ski in the woods about 600 yards from my crash! We smoked down into Lionshead as held my trophy over my head yelling victory! As I was describing what happened to Adam I realized that I had already mentally prepared myself for a huge outlay. I declared that I would immediately buy new boots! So after cruising around the mountain with Adam and John and crushing some Moes, Gatorade and PBR (i was now at the point where I had to hydrate whe drinking) we went to the shop to figured out my boot situation. A few hours later I had a repaired ski and brand new boots. Frosty, Emily, sutton and I headed to Barts for some heavily local discounted beers. After a quick shower we headed to Garfs for some pre dinner drinks with Softy and Jenna and then over to mantuak for a nice seafood dinner. Halfway through dinner we saw BIll/Kass and my aunt and uncle stumbling out after some more laughs were exchanged we finished up dinner. However when the bill came Adam was less than pleased. Being in vail for the better part of the decade has it's perks (beside the obvious of skiing everyday), and Adam rarely has to pay for anything much less pay full price. We got no discount despite the fact that I used to work with our waiter. Adam was at first only angry until he realized they had charged us for beers we didn't drink. This prompted him to approach he waiter and demand our discount. After much hand wringing and perhaps a phone call to the owner we paid our new rate and were off to Garfs for after dinner drinks. I ran/walked/stumbled back to john's for the night by 11.

I spent the next day breaking in my boots and then headed down to figure out how much I would have to pay. After several questions about my salary Coop and Matty decided free foot beds and 20 off was reasonable. I quickly ripped out my card before they could change their mind. I grabbed a final free beer at Barts with Bill and headed back to john's to drink, watch the x games/cliffhanger and pack. John, Amy and I went over to Bills for dinner with my aunt and uncle. Several cocktails and glasses of wine later I went back to my uncles pad in Beaver Creek for the night. My aunt clearly realized how drunk I was as she handed me two bottles of water for the night.

I woke up around three feeling deathly and rolled around for the rest of the night. In the am we hit the beav for the first chair of the day, skied for an hour and then I started my trail of tears back to the chi.

As I finish this post while and makes a stop in Omaha (the hicks next to me have departed) a few things really stand out.
1- looking back I can't believe how much I drank
2- skiing is the all time beat hangover cure (I don't even think I will have alcohol poisoning tonight)
3-As demonstrated by bill perhaps getting really doesn't really matter too much.

The guy in front of me just started handing out free drink tickets, so I'm out.

BD 2011

Help Solve a Brotherly Dispute!

2011-01-03T13:37:00.001-08:00

My brother and I are having a financial dispute that has come to a brick wall and I wanted to let my readers weigh in on a equitable decision.

I paid for 4 Indiana tickets and IU gear from the IU golf course, totaling around $275. He has paid $100. He feels that the remaining debt should be covered from the time he bailed me out driving my keys to Batesville, IN.

As a result of the unpayed bill I repossessed the IU gear, took his Starbucks gift card from my Aunt, and per his request billed his girlfriend the remaining $50.

After pondering his transaction he lashed out an email tirade that his brought us to this position.

Brother: Also, how much does everyone owe me for my stunning defeat of Detzler Island in the Championship in this year’s Colt’s Fantasy Football League?

Me: please subtract from your total debt. Also note that your Christmas Starbucks Cards and IU Golf course gear has been repo’ed until payment. If you are willing to forfeit said assets your tab will be cleared to $0 while Nat’s will remain at $50.

Brother: Deal accepted. Per your email and this response, I am now cleared of all debt, except for the 50.

Apparently, he later realized this deal was too good.

Brother: Super. I will pay this remaining $50 once the remaining gift cards are returned, minus the starbucks card.

Me: I only have Starbucks cards.

Brother: I am not paying the final 50 until I can get confirmation on the dollar value of the cards you took from me.

Me: I already invoiced Natalie and I have no idea what the cards are worth. Frankly, you can have all your stuff for the $175 you owe.

Brother: Frankly, you can tell me the amount on each card or be happy without the final 50.

Me: How do I do that? Go to Starbucks and scan every one?

Brother: I don’t care how you do it. Perhaps instead of taking them, you could have waited for me to pay you. Also, if you really wanted me to pay you, it would have been better served asking me for a check any of the numerous times you were over criticizing our apartment, instead of trying to be cute in emails.

Me: So you aren’t disputing that you owe me, but are only willing to fork over the cash if the gift cards are worth more money? Sounds about right.

Brother: This coming from the guy who refused to help defray the cost of $250 and 4 hours in a car to deliver keys to you….. yes I will put off paying you one cent of said sum.

Me: In that case has interest been running?

Brother: Sure. So lets go ahead and calculate said interest. Considering you owe me (and this is a conservative estimate given what I bill my clients at) half of the lock smith charges of $250, or $125, and lets just say for half of the time I spent delivering keys to you, on a billable hour rate of $215 (below my average rate of $250, because you are family) times 2 hours, you owed me $555. Now lets subtract the top amount that I owed you, of lets say $255, to make the numbers simple for you, as I am about to do some more math and don’t want to confuse you. $300 times an interest rate of lets say 1%, you owe me $7 extra dollars. Oh yeah…. You are the cheap one that considers paying $250 to have a lock smith unlock your car so that you can drive out of your way to deliver keys to someone as a favor. Right. And I am the cheap one. So again, have fun checking the amounts on each card.

I doubt many read that entire post. I doubt even more that anyone cares.

BUT, I want to know what my readers think? Do I owe him money for driving keys to me in Batesville? Should I have been presented a bill for said services? Are we even steven? Do I owe him? Let me know in the comments!

Introducing the Granger

2010-12-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

Saturday night was the 10th Annual Holiday Extravaganza. Outside of the usual crazy eyes, black outs and make outs under missile toe there wasn't anything too crazy. Nothing too crazy except for the debut of a new wave in the evolution in Energy. Its possible that it rivals Energon Cubes as the primary target of the Decepticons.

I started my night by chugging a Red Bull worried that I may not make it to the 5 hour energy I had purchased for midnightish. It turns out that I shouldn't have worried. G$ continued his recent run of awesomeness by creating the Granger (it was initially called the Rager, but was misheard by Paulie and he added the G. It was quickly decided that this was a much better name.) It consisted of Vodka, Sugar, Fruit Punch, Seven 5-hour Energies, and Five Large Red Bulls. At one point their was a discussion of adderall but quote "I was going to put some in but decided having people going crazy would not be a good idea."

The only thing I can compare to this concoction was the crazy ripped fuel like powder I took in college called Cell-Tech. One night Can Can, Dietzoid and I put it in Sparkz and raged to the sun came up. Granger is more powerful than that.

2010 - The Countdown to 30

2010-12-15T15:58:00.000-08:00

I began the year blacked out in Vail, deserted by me brother, lost my coat, and ended up calling my mom for a ride home. I will once again end the year, probably blacked out, in Vail but hopefully will have the foresight to take the bus this time.

2010 was the year I had to retire my Wranglers as the Favre-god became a Viking but mostly this was the year that the Engagement/Breakup hit Chicago. In the last few years I’ve seen a handful of friends get married but almost all were out-of towners. Somehow Mayor Daley’s polluted water had managed to keep my friends relationships from aging. Now my friends have what seem to me as REAL relationships.

In the past when I met a girlfriend my immediate thoughts were something like; She is hot, Nice Boobs, good Butt, Likes to Party(drinks a lot), Cool (Gets Safe a lot), etc. If they broke up, I was usually happy knowing they would find someone new/better and I would get to hang out with my friend on a blacked out single again rage. Now I have found myself genuinely happy and/or sad when engagements, weddings, and breakups been have announced. What a bizarre development.

Another solid old-man/nerd magnet development was my discovery that going to movies by myself was amazing. This theorem peaked when I snuck into see The Social Network by myself on a Friday night.

Of course all of the developments in 2010 weren’t nearly as grown up. Gossip Girl became my favorite TV show after The Hills ended its run with a blaze of glory with the genius known as Spencer the Ape worshipping crystals.

I had my first moment featured on a national blog as the one and only Wiggle.

My work life also continued to evolve and 2010 was definitely the Year of the Consultant. I was introduced to the funniest Aussie I have ever met and immediately realized that I have my job only because anyone over 40 has no idea what the words Viral, Digital, or 2.0 mean (I don’t either).

Year 3 of my life as an Indiana season ticket holder was expanded to include an RV. Tailgating all season on the rig proved to be everything I thought and more. The good news is that there were no arrests and our insurance policy was only cancelled once.

The Big Ten also expanded this year to include Wolf Brand Chili among its traditional staples of Velveeta and Rotel. No food would be complete without mentioning the drink of the year: Smirnoff ICE. I was Iced at lest 20 times this year and 60% of the time I blacked out every single time.

My luck with the ladies started on a new note when for the first time I was given the wrong number by multiple girls. This never happened in the past. Perhaps this is because in the past I skipped the ask for phone number stage and went straight to the try to saw stage.

However, things turned around with my adoption of macking tactics straight from the Twilight Series and will head into the last two months of my 20’s with a girlfriend. Year 29 began with my first ever puke the day after drinking (Luckily I’ve held out since). God knows what my hangover will by on the morning I turn 30, but you can be assured I won’t remember the night before.

Happy 2011 -BD

Why Do I Play Fantasy Football

2010-11-17T06:22:00.000-08:00

I hate it.

I'm not good at it.

I despise rooting for scum.

I'm powerless against drafting Favre.

After brutal IU losses I don't have the strength to set my roster.

I don't watch the NFL, since I'm driving home from Bloomington. This causes me to draft players based on how good they were 4 years ago (Thus my thought that Clinton Portis is more than a corpse).

I can think of no reason whatsoever, other than being bored at work when I receive invitations to join leagues at the end of summer.

Needless to say, the Chicago Hulkamaniacs are in last by hundreds of points even though I somehow cut ties with Favre for Mike Vick.

Yes, These are my Friends

2010-11-12T08:34:00.001-08:00

My dad's love of JOS A Bank clothing is well documented. His taste is spreading as I just received the following email:

As you know from your email, Jos A is doing a Buy 1 (sport coat) Get 6 (2 pants, 2 sport shirts, 2 sweaters) Free Deal. The buy 1 is a sport coat, which should cost a lot of money, hence they give you 6 free items. However, a deal sleuth website located the following jacket that is $125 and still allows you to get the 6 items. The jacket is horrendous, but it has high comedic potential and brings the average price of the other items down to around $20/piece. Anyway, I thought I would let you know.

http://www.josbank.com/menswear/shop/Product_11001_10050_100114

What Blackout?

2010-11-09T12:05:00.000-08:00

First a quick update, I've started dating the unfortunate biting victim mentioned in The Vampire Diaries. Trust me I am more stunned than anyone that biting someone actually worked (Frankly, I'm guessing it may have been something else I did while blacked out), but that has led to a severe lack of posting during the past month. I apologize. I will continue to do my best to make an ass of myself while not making her think I'm 19 and in FIGI.

Now on to the story... I awoke last Thursday very groggy from the night before. I started going round my room in the dark, feeling for my jeans and looking for my wallet. Of course, no credit card. I then realized that the back pocket was completely torn off. What the hell did I do last night? I slowly/vaguely remembered getting thrown out of State the night before. I then realized that there was beef jerky all over my floor. JHC. As I stumbled to the bathroom I found a destroyed pizza box on the floor.

As I was shaking my head in disgust I realized that I was still in my bed. I had dreamt about a blackout. I had actually had 3 beers the night before and went to bed at 8.

Throughout high school, college, and my 20's I've had the reoccurring dream of forgetting about a class for the entire semester and realizing at the last second I was going to fail and in some instances have to stay another year in HS/College. I guess the reoccurring dream of my 30's could be spending my entire life boozing and realizing at the last second that I wont get to spend another year in College. The perils of adulthood.

This May Have Diagnosed My Problems

2010-10-21T12:17:00.000-07:00

I clearly start out most day drinking events in full compliance with this eating disorder: All Calories through drinking. However, this always starts me down the vicious cycle of having nowhere near enough base. At a tailgate this results in 3 options;

1) Blackout around halftime when the Rum really kicks in.

2) Delay blackout by eating snacks, usually consisting of candy corn, chips and salsa, noodle salad, and a big pretzel

3) Eating a hamburger.

Obviously, choice 3 is the most sane, yet I rarely choose that decision tree. I almost always go with #2. The irony is that will clearly result in me blacking out at Kilroy's, leaving early and eating a Gargantuan from JJ's. The gym after the Gargantuan is not a pleasant experience.

The Keymaster

2010-10-03T15:11:00.001-07:00

This weekend my brother and I both got nailed with one of life's worst situations; losing your keys on a road trip. Stranded away from home with your car and the inability to get home is enough for you to pray that Memphis Raines shows up to help you boost your own ride.

Bad was in Btown while I was in Batesville, IN for my buddy Jump's wedding and somehow in our drunken stupidness both misplaced our keys. I awoke this morning to a call from Bad asking if I could drive down and pick him up in Btwon becasue his keys were lost and no Ford Dealer was open on Sunday. A locksmith was useless because an Explorer required a special radio key I agreed right away and that spurred my own scavenger hunt for keys, wallet, and cell phone.

Wallet. Check.

Id. Check.

Credit Card/Debit Card. Check

Crackberry. Check.

Keys. ??????

Pants, no. Jacket pocket no. Nooks and Cranies? Not seeing em. After stumbling around for a while I shrugged it off. We went down to breakfast and I assumed they would turn up.

They didn't.

Called the Country club where the wedding was at. No. Called the bar we were at. No. Called the limo company that took us from the wedding to the bar. No. Tore the room apart. No.

I called some locksmiths to no avail. They confirmed what Bad had told me earlier. Without the keys getting into the car was useless. No Ford Dealers are open on Fundays.

Walked to the country club and tore it apart. No. WTF??? I wasn't anywhere else, where are they!!?

As this was happening I put in call to my brother, but didn't want to admit I also had lost my keys. I did however, inquire if he still needed a ride. He didn't because he had found a rogue electrician undoubtedly named Slippery Pete who had the ability to build a new Ford key using his superior knowledge of how to manipulate holes.

After getting back from the countrry club I finally waved the flag to call Bad and get Slippery Pete's number. Bad responded that it wasn't necessary because he had my spare keys.

Spare keys??!!!

I didn't know I had spare keys. He explained that he has had my keys for a while, he found them in his car.

I quickly realized that they were from exactly one year ago, when I slept in his car after IU played Ohio State. He had claimed the keys were lost for exactly one year, until I absolutely needed them.

Que up Funday. Drunk Jeff and I immediatly started pounding with Jump and finally when Bad arrived we started the trail of tears back to Chicago.

The funny part to me, is that after all that rigermaroll I ended up with the exact same set of keys, a wicked buzz, and an extra few hours with Jump and his beautiful bride.

I wouldn't have it any other way!

The Vampire Diaries

2010-10-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

Once again I managed to take my creepiness level past any previously thought barriers. Last weekend while we were partying on our beautiful RV, I may have consumed too many adult beverages. Drunk Jeff's lady friend brought along a nice co-ed, whom I attempted to dazzle with my googly eyes and bobbly head. Being a 7:00 game time, by the time post game hit I had plenty of rum and beer in me and decided to make my move.

I can recall walking to Fratroys with her and turning on the charm, then acquiring her phone number at some point. After that BLACKOUT. Wake up in the RV.

The next day Bad filled in the details that I allegedly bit her on the shoulder at which point I was taken home. Apparently, all of this Vampire propaganda has really taken a hold of me. I guess I'll be deleting that number.(Side note: if the GOP could run a Vampire against Obama, I'm all for it)

So in the run up to this weekend my brother sent along the following advice to the crew:

Now, as I will not be attending this wedding, when BD goes in for the shoulder bite, please take this as a sign that, not only has he been watching too many vampire shows on TV, he is also blacked out and requires assistance in finding his way to his room.

Bapp5 - I’m looking at you (Drunk Jeff will be equally intoxicated and therefore will only encourage BD to bite more victims).

However Bapp disagrees.

Forget that…I am letting him roam free like he was meant to be for three reasons…

1. He might get lucky with a girl who likes to be bitten. If that happens, man he is going to have one hell of an amazing night

2. If he strikes out, he is not hurting anyone and it provides a funny story for our drive back Sunday

3. “And who’s gonna be there to catch them? Grab that net and catch the beautiful butterfly, pal!”

ROAM ON!

Sabotaged!

2010-09-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned I made out with my bosses secretary a few weeks ago. She geniusly waited for the perfect time to strike back at me for pretending like it never happened and unleashed the venom today at lunch. During a lunch meeting she orderd my sandwich with mayo! F'#%kin MAYO! Of all the fat people foods; cheese curds, sour cream, etc. I find mayo is easily the most offensive. It was as though she was thinking "Who does this fat kid think he is? Oh wait. He isn't fat. He is manorexic. Let's poison him with mayo." Well done Vince McMahon.

Spiralling Downward

2010-09-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

My downward spiral has recently reached new heights. While this might seem like a bad thing, I would actually argue that its a great thing. Some recent events really highlight my move to the next level of stupidity.

1) As hinted at earlier, we actually bought an RV. It is officially the best and worst idea I've ever had. While our initial tailgate led to nothing more than a blackout, I can easily predict that this is easily the best/worst idea I've ever had. Waking up in an RV and looking out at a college football stadium is pretty sweet on a random Friday. It's gonna be f'n incredible on a Saturday Gameday when some freshman slut is next to me.

2) On Friday I attended a work event where I had the good sense not to black out at the party. I blacked out at the after party and made out with my bosses secretary. This girl might honestly be too skinny for me. Of course did I remember this? Hell no. I remember some other girl at work yelling at me, me shrugging my shoulders, going to Walgreens, buying a frozen pizza and going home.

I woke up still wearing the previous night's clothes and after the gym came home to several texts inquiring about my shenanigans. Since I has no recollection, I at first denied until I was told of video evidence at which point I conceded the point. I figured, "Hell, at least she's 22."

Things got even funnier when my buddy Rick told me we were making out at a bar, yet I seemed no into it. Soon thereafter she left crying at which point I got bitched out by the girl I remember yelling at me. We had a great elevator ride today.

3) Finally, I reasoned since I will be attending IU games for pretty much the entire fall, thus traveling on Sundays, that I should get black out drunk on Funday. Entourage had to be re-watched on Tuesday and a girl gave me a fake number at the bar.

Solid Spiral.

The Chopping Block

2010-08-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

As most of my readers know my job is actually to spend time on Facebook, blog, tweet and perform a variety of Social Media activities. So its save to say I'm a pretty geek about this kinda thing. However, that doesn't stop me from going about in frattiest possible way. This morning I found myself unable to sleep at 4 am and was on the Book when it occurred to me I hadn't made any cuts in a while. Facebook has made it extremely difficult/tedious to make cuts these days, so I had to consider my choices more than I used to when cutting a "friend" was just a simple click away.

So this morning I found myself grouping people into several categories

Keepers:

1) Friends

2) Friends from HS or College that I wouldn't consider friends really, but I would to keep up with, if only through the Newsfeed.

3) Hot Chicks who are not my friends.

Cuts:

1) Chicks who are not my friends, but are no longer hot, thus I don't wan't your pictures clogging up my homepage.

2) Hot chicks that are married (although if an entrepreneur is wise out there he will create some form of divorced application to alert former friends when someone is back on the market. Call is DivorceBook).

3) Nerds from high school who all of a sudden felt the need to friend me after our HS reunion.

4) NERDS who play Farmville, Mafia Wars, and every other game that is annoying (even more annoying they are helping their parent company Zynga reach an absurd valuation of $4 Billion)

In other news 4 other idiots and I have purchased an RV and are headed to B-town to lie, steat, cheal and saw. Next week's blog should be a doozy.

CLOSE!!!!!!!

2010-08-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

This weekend marked my first return to the east coast since my baffling invitation to lecture others on Social Media a year ago in Boston. This time I was headed for short tour up the coast culminating at two of my good friends from Vail's wedding in northern Maine.

I flew out Thursday night to Boston and met up with my old-roommate Frosty for a night of drunkeness. We soon met up with another Vail buddy, Bobb-o (whose picture graces the side of this blog). We didn't get too messed up aka I don't remember getting home and woke up on the couch next to a bar of pretzels. My contacts were no where to be found. I assume I took them out and decided they didn't need to be in their case.

In the morning I busted out a quick jog along the freedom trail and was about to jump in my rad rental Chevy Cobalt when I got a call from Bobb-o. He had left his credit card at the bar from the night before and now needed a ride to pick up his car that was at the impound due to street cleaning. Ouch. I gladly helped him out and he told me that the end of his consisted of making out with a girl who had previously thrown him out of her place when she deemed him too drunk to spend the night. Apparently, this was also the case Thursday night and he failed to close.

After doing him a solid I piloted the Cobalt up to Portland, Maine to meet my friends John and Amy. I meet them up at the beach for some day drinking and safety meetings. It was a really fun day of R&R except for the missing piece of no pretty girls. The beach was littered with families and morons trying to fly kites. At first I thought Amy's friend who joined us was pretty hot, until she 1) smiled (huge gums) and 2) took off the standard girl bug eye glasses (weird eyes). I would call her perhaps one of the best examples of 80% hot I've ever seen.

When we had reached our limit to possibly navigate vehicles we headed back to 80% hots house and stopped along the way to pick up some lobsters. I now know the joy that Home J Simpson felt when he picked Pinchy out of bucket then dropped him in a boiling pot of water and enjoyed every bite.

That night in downtown Portland things got pretty sloppy when I bought 6 shots of Rumpleminze for 3 of us. When I arose in the am I went for a run and was howered and ready to roll when John and Amy finally stumbled out of bed. They looked at me like Iw as from Mars and informed me that after the shots, I started making out with one of Amy's other friends (I recall being very intrigued by her east coast accent) and soon thereafter passing out at the bar. My first reaction was that since I was aware enough to successfully remove my contacts I should have been able to close on autopilot.

We then took off to finish the final leg of our trip and drive up to Boothbay. Unfortunately we hit some serious traffic on old highway 1. Luckily we had already bought beer. I soon had a road soda cracked and was filling up my Dunkin donuts coffee cup and taking random short cuts found on google maps (ironically Amy was doing the same in the car behind me. the Vail crew really knows how to get it done).

We arrived just in time to see two more dudes from Vail, Allan and Adam arrive from a kayak trip into town to buy more beer where they navigated using one paddle broken in half to steer two kayaks. Soon thereafter FNG arrived completely safe from sitting in traffic and driving all the way up from the Cape.

As we prepped for the wedding we got a frantic call from John that he needed assistance. I was handed the task of ironing his shirt and tying his tie while FNG sewed the giant rip he just put in his pants. We completed our tasks just in time to head to the wedding in a giant bus that was rented. Pretty great wedding. Awesome 80's band. Raw oyster bar. Surf and Turf for Dinner. Danced with some hot chicks. Only downside, my searsucker suit got ruined by someone spilling red wine on me.

The after party back at the resort was where things got really hazy. Even though the tap to the keg broke we still had enough booze to last until around 3:00. After 2 Five Hour energies I remember a lot of flip cup and hitting on girls, but no closing.

I awoke the next morning to an incredible hangover and adrenaline running through my body from 10 hours of Energy. I naturally went for a run and arrived back to the resort to a call from Allan trying to get back in our condo because he had managed to close with a 22 year cousin of the bride. Impressive close.

After a solid morning of PBR's, safety, goodbyes, thankyou's and breakfast I closed out the trip by taking what was easily the longest trail of tears I've had in some time driving 4 hours back to Boston, having my flight delayed, returning the Cobalt, getting picked up by Frosty, going back to the airport, Flying to chicago, taking the train and finally the Blue line to get home at 11:30.

Great Weekend. No Close.

Enjoy

2010-08-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

The Heist

2010-07-26T05:22:00.000-07:00

Normally, I'm not a big break the law kinda guy. Other than refusing to obey the speed and usually having a road soda while walking to friends pads, I don't generally create that big of a drain on society. However, at the Brewer game on Saturday I attempted to pull off the heist of the century. It was almost as if by watching Ocean's 11 last week, I had performed Inception on myself.

I was hammered, to quite hammered at our tailgate when I headed into Miller Park to sit down escape the rays of Apollo from beating down on me. After watching Lloyd Braun belt another one to the bleachers we were going to meet up with rest of our crew to take a picture with a cut-out of Trevor-time, when a spontaneous moment hit. The beer man was facing the field, not paying attention to his beer and I sneaky reached on an poached an MGD. Incredibly, I almost got away with the crime, if not for another fan ratting me out. Just as I reached the top of the concourse I felt a grab on my back and I was hauled out by the fuzz.

From that point on, my luck took a turn for the better as I moved into sweet talk/apologist mode. I was simply escorted out of the stadium and sent on my way to blackout in the parking lot waiting for everyone else to finish the game.

Well, Lets Start the Insanity

2010-07-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

Since I have no girlfriend, rent my apartment with 2 other dudes, drive a car that's paid for, only spend my vacations on friends couches, wear the clothes my mom bought me years ago, and pursue any drinking deal like a hawk, I all of a sudden have extra money in my pocket. So along comes drunk Jeff with the idea that we should buy a condo in Bloomington for our season football tickets (which sounds expensive but with college priced bars and cheap tickets with gas its about the same price as a Chicago weekend).

But while this perfectly sane idea has been put on hold for the time being we are exploring the idea of subletting an apartment for just football season. Bad is currently serving out his final days of work in Milwaukee so the email exchanges today have been in heavy rotation:

Have wiser minds prevailed? It’s a great investment, but a lot of cash outflow for only a couple weekends a year. Maybe we table this until next year? I looked at hotels for this fall (assuming a sale of the condo) and they are super expensive ($299/night) or sold out. What about a sublet?

Rent an RV for each game. We can park in Memorial Stadium parking lot Friday night and defend the rock until reinforcements arrive the next morning.

I like how Bad now seems to be sending email at an advanced clip now that his job seems to have tailed off....
In other new the Condor is pushing for a Lohan Skinimax film named Mean Girls

Actually BD, I have taken over as Director of Social Media for the last week of employment. They are seeing if it is as worthless as everyone thought.
In other news, Clifton Gunderson is at an all time high with friends and I just redid our MySpace account to have "Lady Humps" by The Black-eyed Peas to play when you get there. It really gets me in the mood to audit.

RV rentals are approximately $175/night. 3 night minimum. We need to cross our fingers a condo does not sell.

Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.

I just wrote Dana at the Varsity Villas. Will let you know upon receipt of her response.

Done and Done. 1 room, 4 sleeping bags, infinite fun. Steve sawing every weekend.

Add approx. $80 per man for steve’s racecar bed…

http://bloomington.craigslist.org/sub/1783324677.html

This is also another good option. Bad, make yourself useful and call. Please advise subsequently.

Actaully, while this would only offer one bedroom, we wouldn't have to worry about BD getting lost on the way home.

I could just see it now...

"In regards to your recent post looking for a 5th roommate at Walnut and Dixie I would like to formally submit my interest. I am a 6'4" slightly big boned 28 year old former IU grad looking for a place to crash on home football game weekends. I will be having 4 to 5 friends spend the weekend with me every time I come down. Please, do not be alarmed. While at first glance this looks like a bad situation for you living with 5 creepy old men, we really are not that bad. I apparently do not like 19 year olds so you are safe there, two of my friends are already in serious relationships and only emo cheat, and the 4th looks like Urkel so you are more than safe. The 5th is a bit of a wild card and some nights could get dicey for you and your friends, however on game nights usually passes out by 10 p.m. In addition, he will supply you and your friends with endless hilarity with his pick up lines. I/We appreciate your consideration. P.S. We will be moving in a race car bed too!"

Another option is to take the Bloomington Shuttle to/from the airport. Its only $30. $12 for parking at the airport. Hotels will only be $90/night. Stay in either B-Ripple and/or downtown Indy (sweet new Kilroy’s there).

Well, all I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did I the best I could while I was in Bloominton. Had as much fun as I could while I was in Bloominton. Played as hard as I could while I was in Bloominton... Dogged as many girls as I could while I was in Bloominton.
How am I going to do that in Indy?

Bad, have you ever thought about why we went to IU? How many times have you gotten laid strictly because you're went to IU?
60% of the time, every time.
The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N.

All I'm saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life - remind me to kill myself.

Okay guys, one more thing, this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes.
I don't know. It’s the battle. The going to war with the other guys, hanging together, having our own dorm, staying in hotels the night before the games, setting ourselves apart, being different than everybody else, having a chance to be somebody, to do something that people look up to you for, your strength, your courage, not everybody graduate from IU... were the lucky ones!
You want details? Fine. I drive a Ferrari, 355 Cabriolet, What's up? I have a ridiculous house in the South Fork. I have every toy you could possibly imagine. And best of all kids, I am liquid!
My friends and I skipped work and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbors dog to drink it. But he wouldn't
Oh, you arrogant shit! That's why I don't come to the goddamned reunions, 'cause I can't stand that look in your eye. Ya know, that condescending, embarrassed look. You think I'm a failure. I know who I am, and I'm proud of what I do. It was a conscientious choice, I didn't fuck up! And you and your cronies think I'm some sort of pity case. You and your kiss-ass chorus following you around going, "The Fields Medal! The Fields Medal!" Why are you still so fuckin' afraid of failure?
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome.
I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important. Put. That coffee. Down. Coffee's for closers only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Levine? You call yourself a salesman you son of a bitch?
Yeah, and if you are such a big shot, why are you here, who are you anyway?
Hey intern, get me a Campari.

Captain Ron

2010-07-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

This isn't really a stroy about me, but its so funny I had to pass it along....

Drunk Jeff started bombarding us with email around noon on friday demanding that we begin "day-fratting" immediately. I had to make an appearance on a radio show, that required a landline and Jeffrey informed me that he literally had his taken out last week, thus I was forced to sit at work until 6:00. Needless to say I was biting at the chomp to begin festivities.

Finally I arrived at his pad around 7 with CanCan to catch up with his grueling pace. We easily plowed through 5 cases and a lot of vodka before heading out. I recall being at a bar for about 5 minutes before I blacked out.

Saturday in the am I had to work for a few hours, then got him and went for a run. I then had to drive out to the burbs to help DooDoo Brown's sister move in. Just as I was about to leave Drunk Jeff and Can Can burst in the door with a bottle of rum yelling how we should become nutmeg farmers in Bloomington. CanCan had apparently slept over at Jeff's and they were back on the wagon in a hard way. As I left they were settling in to watch Captain Ron and relive CanCan's former pirating years.

Things went as expected in the burbs and as I was driving back I gave Doo Doo a call in Minnesota to ask why I had been enlisted to help move (I assumed I had agreed to this drunk over the 4th of July, nope. they just thought I would be a good mover :) After asking that question Doo doo informed that Drunk Jeff and Drunk CanCan were on their way to fly up to see him. Hearing this news I hung up immediatly and called CanCan.

Yep, it was true. They were on the phone with the airlines to use their miles to watch the Twins game tonight. I struggled to understand the logic until he informed me that Captain Ron had encouraged them to be spontaneous.

I got home about 20 minutes later to see CanCan downing the last of the rum and jeff stumbling out of my shower looking somewhat less than 100%. I'd put it around 25% tops. Sure enough they were yelling about missing their flight and had to go.

I got one text during the night about whiskey at O'Hare being strong.

Unbelievable.

Cinco De Ice

2010-07-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

I wish I was writing today about my incredible 4th of July weekend spent on Lake Wawassee Indiana and how it involved a plethora of great times. However, the cultural phenomena know as Icing once again seemed to push an otherwise drunken weekend into a mishmash of blackout memories that I can only assume were incredible.

My weekend started out at Wrigley on Thursday afternoon with CanCan and a few bras watching the Scrubs lose to the Reds. The afternoon was relatively tame, but the die had been cast for a grand weekend. In the morning Bapp5 and I picked up DooDoo and his lady friend at Midway and headed down to Hoosier Country. Upon arriving at our destination aka The Henky compound on Lake Wawasee we set on a breakneck pace that wouldn't slow until the crushing hangover I experienced Monday that still hasn't subsided.

Activities included getting iced, making an ass of myself hitting on a 19 year old as her parents looked on in horror, playing a lot of catchphrase, getting iced some more, day drinking, night drinking, ringing in America's birthday by running around in my birthday suit at 4 am, getting carried to bed by Bapp5, having drunk Jeff write all over me with permanent marker (while I was awake), passing out in my car, yelling a lot of Jackie Moon lines and generally performing like the world's worst possible guest.

However, the highlight of the weekend came on July 3rd at their famous Cinco de Julio party. The night was just getting going for me due to a lethal mix of tequilla and day drinking when Drunk Jeff led me to an adult pinata he had strung up. After putting on my Brew Crew hat I struck it with the force of Lloyd Braun. Incredibly the structure held and I was convinced to take one more crack at the beast. This time it splintered revealing my reward: More Smirnoff Ice and a blackout. (video will be coming soon)

All in all another amazing weekend that was a tribute to all things American: the freedom to act like a 29 year old idiot, develop a case of the shakes and make it work on Tuesday to keep this capitalist beast humming!

Side story: The garbage man took one look at all of our trash and declared that we must've had one heckuva Obama Dependance Day. My hopes for 2010 are skyrocketing!

Iced Over

2010-06-23T06:16:00.000-07:00

This icing thing has really gotten out of hand. While I realize its stupid and in a few years we will look back and shakes our heads at our lameness, it is still a blast to watch someone drop to a knee.

And even better then watching someone drop a knee and chug, is the element of suprise when someone is presented with an ice. Just in the last few weeks I've seen.

An ice waiting for someone in his bed when he got out of the shower

An attempt to lower one via rope from a balcony that fell and hit someone in the head

Delivered by a Grandma in a gift bag while everyone sang happy birthday

One guys spent over an hour trying to convince the Dominos guy to deliver a pizza with an Ice in the box. It failed but it would have been great

One guy called his mom to deliver an ice to his brother in Cinci.

The same guy left a 24 oz ice in his brother's outside fridge with a bow on it.

One was waiting for me on the steps when I got back from the OTB.

Finally the killer, the wedding ice.

I give it perhaps 1 more month before its jumped the shark, but damn

its been great.

Retracing

2010-06-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up Saturday morning with no ID, no credit card, a slight buzz, and the taste of whiskey on my breath. Immediately the panic set in as I imagined attending the wedding I had planned for Saturday and not being able to drink due to some gestapo bartender. Fortunately I was able to quickly retrace my steps to State on Webster. I firmly remembered leaving my first party to meet a bunch of co-workers, and then things got gray fast.

I had a few distinct memories then blank.

1) Buying a whiskey on the rocks thinking it would be cheaper than getting or deal that I was several hours late to. After being charged $10 I realized that was wrong.

2) Buying our package deal and refilling the plastic cup they gave me with whiskey.

3) Someone asking me what time I started drinking(no clue who).

4) Losing said cup and starting a tab.

5) Talking to a hot former co-worker and buying her a beer.

Then nada. How big was my tab? How badly did I creep this girl out? Did I do anything else dumb in front of co-workers (shockingly enough I'm now somewhat older and respected)?

All of these questions were racing through my head until I got to the bar to reclaim my dignity. My tab? A solid $9. Score. I can remember every single drink leaving little room for error. After 24 hours back at work, Im 98% sure major embarrassment has been avoided.

So did I learn a lesson in moderation? When I tried to switch drinks at the wedding the next night there was already a scotch waiting for me and I got cut off by brides father. Classic.

2010-05-18T10:03:00.001-07:00

Winner

2010-05-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

Last weekend marked the Kentucky Derby, a holiday that I celebrate with sear sucker, bourbon and black outs. Remarkably I actually have a decent track record of hooking up on Derby Day. Unfortunately, the deck was not stacked in my favor this year. The party I attended at Boobcocks involved a lot of dudes, dudes who like dudes, couples and married couples. Not ideal.

Luckily they did have a lot of Bourbon. Around race time, my eyes were starting to google from 4+ hours of jullep, when suddenly I realized my hours had won! This sprang me back to life and I started yelling about spending my winning immediately. This led us to a bar where I remember throwing cash around, then to the liquor store to buy a keg for the boxing match. We were all set, when I was informed that they have a policy of not selling kegs to obviously intoxicated morons. I don't know if it was my seersucker, bow tie, slurred speech, or googly eyes that gave it away.

We then ordered our cab to the closest grocery store for frozen pizza, 4 cases and 2 30-packs. Burning my mouth on hot pizza was the last thing I remember. I awoke in the morning wondering if I actually watched the fight and couldn't remember or passed out before it began. I stumbled down stairs and started to rub my eyes. I wasn't sure if my brick red eyes were playing tricks on me for sleeping in my contacts or if I had been visited by the beer fairy. I had never seen so much left-over beer. It was almost like the beginning of Dude Where's My Car when they find a life time supply of pudding. While it isn't a life-time supply my fridge has been the gift that keeps giving all week.

Bruce is Out to Collect (Updated)

2010-05-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

My dear brother Bad decided to send out an email to a bunch of us living in Chicago about coming down for the weekend. For some bizarre reason (aka a mistake) he included my Dad, Bruce, on the email list. Below is the chain.

Bad: It recently came to my attention that this upcoming weekend marks the third anniversary of the end of my life as I once knew it. Yes, I speak of the right of passage known as college graduation. A time where I drank, smoked, and slept the majority of five years of this life away. To celebrate the death of this truly great life, I propose we meet at a bar, "Day Frat" during the period of time known as Happy Hour and drink until passing out, puking, or getting into a fight with FIGIs.

Me: Bruce, Will you be joining us in this beat down of F1 J1 wouldn't want to be ones? (he was one in college)

Bruce: First of all, sounds like you two scoundrels owe me 5 years of $ that I pissed away while you two pissed your time away. I could be in Argentina skiing right now! Instead, your poor old dad (who moved 3 yards of dirt last night) is at his work station in life, trying to eak out a meager earnings so that your dear mother and I can one day hope to sit on our front porch and nurse our many ailments that Obama care won't help us with.

Does this bar serve single malt scotch?

Fast forward to Friday several emails have continued to the whole group about what bar to hit tonight. Their frequency rose to levels that greatly concerned Bruce.

Bruce: All of you. Stop this gibberish. Get back to work. You are being non-productive. You are hurting our country's productivity and therefore raising our prospect for inflation, which will be detrimental to my portfolio, which means I will have to rely more on all of you to carry me in retirement. Do you think we are in Greece?

Bad: You were clearly watching the 9 man panel this morning on CNBC

The Return

2010-04-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

First of all I apologize for not writing anything for a while. Truth is I've been super busy and nothing that funny happened by itself. So I figured I would try to sum up the last few weeks now that I'm incredibly hungover on a Friday morning.

Lets start out by saying I was in complete autopilot last night. Not quite blacked out, but can remember ut terrible decisions. Decisions like leaving my coat with keys in it at the bar and vaguely remember Drunk Jeff and Benny B calling me and forcing my cabby to turn around. Decisions like waking up and finding my sunglasses missing (they lasted just over a year, which is my goal with anything I buy, so I'm not that pissed). Decisions like sleeping in my contacts so it looks like I just got super safe right now. Decisions like realizing I look like a wreck therefore I should dress as fratty as possible for wreck (I'm a walking crayola pastel right now). Decisions like having to stop on the gas station to work to buy a Gatorade so I will feel like a human and can start pounding 2 gallons of coffee.

So I'll begin my recap with the most important event of the last few weeks, my trip to Vail for closing weekend. I got to Vail on Monday around 6:00 and as soon as I got off the bus to Lionshead it immediately starting raining. Not a good start to the week. I met Jenna at Garfs for a few beers and realized Vail was as empty as I've ever seen it. This meant every local could drink as much as they want and not worry about the consequences i.e. work. The possibility of this already had me excited. I then met up with Allan and John and we headed over to Baggali's for food and drinks. Caitlin was bartending so the night quickly spiraled into John and I drinking Makers and cokes till around 12:30 while playing Apples to Apples with the whole bar.

I awoke feeling great and ready to conquer the world the world the next morning so we headed to the mountain right away. We soon realized after a night of rain the mountain wasn't going to cooperate very well. Nevertheless we made the most of it and actually found some decent snow in the back. The day was going well until Jenna hit me fro behind on a cat track and I ate it hard. My ski ejected and hit her in the shoulder and I went down hard. Everyone was laughing pretty hard while I complained endlessly about my wrist.

I called the day around 2ish and we headed back to Garfs for more drinks. I was getting pretty drunk when Softy and his girlfriend "Wild Thing" suggested we go bowling in Eagle. And yes, everyone calls her that. And yes, she is just as ridiculous as her name sounds. On the plus side Softy told me she has "been doing much better lately." On a side note I really hope I never have to talk about a girlfriend that way, however having written that I'm sure its just a matter of time.

So I was drunk enough to agree that yes, I should make the 30+ minute journey to Eagle to go bowling. Easily the best part of the night was getting super safe on the way there and watching the sun go down in the valley. By the time we got to the alley I was pretty drunk/safe and my wrist was starting to balloon, not he best combo. I bowled about a 30 and easily the worst part of the night was trying to carry a pitcher of beer and hearing my wrist pop. Not good. After bowling I retreated home around 11 while Softy and Wild Thing headed to the Village to rage.

I again woke up feeling like a champ however my wrist now looked like an orange and I could barely even hold my phone. However I downed some all day long all day strong Aleve and headed to the mountain with John under beautiful sunny skies. I grimmaced, shoved my hand in a glove and said fuck it, I'll get X-rayed next week. We met up with Swanny and the two of the them decided to have boomers and groomers day. I'm far too much of a square for that kind of scheme so I just got safe and skied along. The safety made a significant difference in my hand and I pronounced myself "healed."

After a rad day we met up with the whole Double Diamond crew around 2 at the base to ski what had to be the riskiest Minturn Mile of all time.

So after raging up top for a while, skiing some rad slushy turns, drinking a few at the bottom, then hiking through mud we went to the Double Diamond end of the year party at a house in Minturn. Right when we got there, we were an absolutely sweaty mess and the worst part was there was no tap for the keg. So one of the DD guys went down the street to grab a 30 of PBR. He came back tossing bras at the porch and unfortunately one was mishandled and split one of the rental dudes, Fisch, lip open. We had no super glue, so we resorted to suturing his lip with electrical tape. He made the most of it by turning into an electrical tape fu man chu and drinking out of a straw made from a pen (the initial duct tape straw was deemed unusable). Eventually the keg got tapped, we played a lot of flip cup, took a lot of shots, ate Moe's and had a rad night. We were supposed to take a party bus back to the village to rage more, but John and I were so wasted that we headed home around 10:30. Great night.

I awoke realizing I was so drunk that I left my boots at the party, so we headed back to Minturn to find the scene of the crime an absolute mess. Rental skis everywhere and my boots sitting on the porch right where I left them. We finally got to Lionshead just in time to meet Can Can and Bad arriving at the base. We had another beautiful day on the mountain and around 2:00 Brad and I picked up a case and starting slushing around. We finally convinced Can Can to start having a few and we stayed on the mountain partying at the top until around 4, when we slowly made our way to the base. After dragging Can Can to the bottom and watching him blow up at the base with an epic yard sale we headed to Moe's for bbq and PBR.

We stayed in the night getting safe and drinking Beam while Can Can admonished us for getting safe in the condo. We were so messed up that we starting calling him his worrisome, "adorable."

We woke up early worrying about rain, but it was sunny skies again so we headed out another great day, then meet Bill at Bart and Yeti's for apres. Paca Willy and the Ayatollah picked up the tab and we again headed back to the condo for saftey and naps. We hit the village that night to stare at cougars and watch a hilarious reggae band play. I have to say I've never seen that many hot rich chicks in Vail at any time. I really wanted to move back then and there. We ended our night with Allan and Adam at the Tap Room blacking out like old times.

We again arose ready to tackle the world, but this time the mountain wasn't cooperating. It was pouring rain, so Bad and I cracked beers immediately and headed to West Side Cafe for bloody's and breakfast. We got a call from Pukas and OB who were bravely tackling the conditions as any Denverite would who claimed it wasn't that bad. I didn't believe them, but decided to head up anyways. Bad and I again filled up the backpack and went to rage on the mountain all day while Can Can stayed at the condo to rest up. Remarkably the combo of safety, beer and skiing with a bunch of Bo Kapps made the snow somewhat skiable. Once the beer was gone we headed to Garf's to meet Can Can and crush big nachol

That night was The Robert Earl Keen/Wyclef show. REK was great, however Vail failed to adequately prep for the mobs demanding Gone til November. After waiting in line for the bathroom for an eternity we first hit Vail Village to realize it was a mob as well, so we retreated to the safe confine of Lionshead and Garfs.

We arose for closing day to find that the ski gods were again shining on Vail and the forecast rain did not show. I went Allan's parents home to celebrate his b-day and get some much needed alcohol in me to calm the shakes down. We then headed to the mountain for the famed 4 at 4.

After a great vaca we got safe in the Rental car to Can Can's chagrin and headed home to Chi. Unfortunately for me I h ad already declared that I would not pay for their airport parking so those cheap bastards made me take the train.

Great Vaca!

Climbing Up the Google Machine Rankings

2010-04-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all my dedicated readers who have been visiting the site. Believe it or not, I have tracking on my blog to see if anyone gives a damn about my writing and readership has been steadily climbing. The other part of your rankings are "Organic Visitors" meaning they found you by searching on Google. Today I took a look at the keywords and phrases that led them to Steating and Chealing. Here are some Favorites:

How to Make a Fake Bus Pass

BAC 4.0

How many drinks in a box of Franzia

Statute of Limitation on Selling Fake ID's

Terry Mork Volleyball

how risky is fake ids in Disney

deuchelord

Wow, I'm producing some real educational content.

The Bizarro Final Four

2010-04-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was sent to the Final Four to speak about College Recruiting and Social Media to coaches as a part of the coaching conference that surrounds the event. Unfortunately I did not get see Butler almost pull the best tournament run of my life time, as I was in San Antonio for the Ladies Final Four.

I headed out for Texas on Saturday night knowing that a mini solo vacation was automatically going to be bizarre, I just wasn't sure how Bizarre. Upon arriving at the airport I immediately hit the airport bar for the Butler game and kept drinking throughout the plane ride. When I touched down in SA I was starting to feel it so upon arriving at my hotel I pounded a coke and coffee to make sure I was drunk and fully alert for this experience.

I immediately headed out to the Riverwalk where I initially found myself pounding beers at an Oklahoma pep rally. My first observation about lady's hoops fans is that they were slightly more aged than the typical fan. Everyone seemed like a retiree. Perhaps they just couldn't afford tickets to the men's team.

I then stumbled through a few more bars looking for fun and until I arrived at a UConn party at Pat O'Briens filled with Women's hoops players and coaches. First of all I was struck with how many hot tall chicks that were there. Second of all I was struck with how many tall not so hot chicks that were making out with each other.

My predetermined goal going into the weekend was to hook up with the tallest girl possible, so I seemed to have found the ideal venue. The only problems with this goal were

1) I suck at talking to girls, especially blindly hitting on them at bars.

2) I was solo.

3) I wasn't sure if any of these girls liked men.

4) I was starting to get pretty drunk.

I factored these various problems in my head and came up with a sure fire plan; Get Tucker Max drunk and ruthlessly hit on people based on height. A few hurricanes and beers later part one was complete. After striking out with 4 or 5 I was actually doing pretty well when the lights came on and the bar closed. I was shocked, thinking it was still 11:30ish. Soon her teammates and/or other assistant coaches (I have no idea which, all I remember is blond and tall) had her out of my perimeter and I was stumbling home. I remember making several wrong turns and my walk taking well over an hour before getting back to my hotel.

Of course by this time I was starving so I found a vending machine and bought a mini-frozen pizza. This seemed genius until I got back to my hotel room and couldn't find a microwave. So I simply ate the pepperoni off the top and tossed the rest in the toilet. I have no idea why not the garbage. My only other recollection of the night was trying to find the toilet in the middle of the night, but couldn't find a light switch so I let loose in the sink.

I awoke the next day still wasted, so I packed up my gear and across town to the hotel where I was staying for the convention. Once I got there and got some coffee in me I headed to the workout room to sweat out the rest of the booze. I arrived to find an adequate mini-gym absolutely packed with lady's of all ages doing various insane-o workouts. I was pretty terrified that most of them could kick my ass, so I quickly got in and out and went for a run so would feel safer.

Having adequately sobered up I felt ready to tackle the town for round two. I headed over to the Alamo for the educational 30 minutes of the trip to pay my respects to David Crockett before heading back to the Riverwalk. I settled in at a hilarious restaurant called the Republic of Texas that featured all things with the Texas state flag for some Lone Star Lights. After a few beers I was shocked to hear a band playing. All of a sudden the Stanford cheerleaders and band were floating down the riverwalk for a floating pep rally. They were followed by the rest of the teams and I have to say I pleasantly impressed. The Oklahoma cheerleaders were easily the hottest followed by Stanford, Baylor and the bruisers from UConn. If anyone who reads my blog is considering UConn as a college choice I would be very skeptical of the talent.

The event was pretty cool until 4 UConn fan lesbians sat down in the table next to me and I got the hell out of there. I spent the rest of the day drinking and chealing at the hotel pool with more Amazon sized chicks.

That night were the semi-final games and since they were played at the Astrodome and lets be honest there aren't really that many womens hoops fans, the town was all of a sudden dead. So I went to a bar to watch opening night of MLB and wait for targets to reemerge. Unfortunately by the time this happened I had to cash in my chips so I could do my talk for coaches in the a.m.

The next day after a stellar speech convincing several coaches I actually know what I'm talking about I headed over to Hooters for some goodbye beers. I legitimately felt bad that girls so willing to degrade themselves in tight shorts had been ignored by the entire town for the whole weekend. I finished my day off with a few beers at George Gervin's Ice Man bar at the airport before passing out on the plane. Although I didn't accomplish my goal I felt I was leaving San Antonio ahead.

Coming this weekend; My first Minor League Hockey experience post 21. Should be great.

The News Feed Goes to Hell

2010-03-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

Upon the invent of Facebook most perverts like me were ecstatic over the ability to e-pimp/e-stalk a wide range of girls from across campus (older grads like me were just as happy to see girls still on campus). The ability to see so many pictures and be alerted to a hot girls relationship status was monumental. When the News Feed was initially created there was an initial uproar over its creepiness until everyone realized that it simply allowed them to continue their current face-stalking habits in a more efficient fashion.

However, my Facebook experience has now entered a new era. No, I'm not referring to morons endless Farmville, Mophia War and World Conquest (Although the Ghezzi bros. appear to have occupied more territory than Hitler). I'm referring to the lack of picture of girls on Spring Break, Wasted at Kilroys, and other awesome activities. Now all I see are pictures of babies, new condos/houses, wedding showers and posts of engagement.

I wish I could say I was exempt from the phenomenon, but this blog will be posted as are more frequent rants against our Emperor/President.

Ultimately, I wish I could just divide everything cleanly into two columns, Posts about Hot chicks/Funny Stuff and Everything Else.

Diving Deeper into Nerdom

2010-03-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

I woke up on Sunday Morning nursing a medium/small sized hangover around 6:00ish. My lack of sleeping ability continues to dumbfound me. I'm tired all day, can't stay out past midnight without 5 hour Risk or Red Bull, yet if I sleep until the clock has a 6 on it I'm ecstatic. Awful.

I stumbled down to the couch only to realize I still had several hours before my weekly Meet the Press Fix. Oh well, I popped on the DVD player to continue my 2 week Gossip Girl Marathon.

Backstory: I started working with the parent company that produces the show, so one evening I watch 2 minutes. Big Mistake. This is almost as good as The O.C. Hooked. Unfortunately this happened at the end of Season 2. Since then little to no of the plot lines have made sense, but my I was still more addicted than 12 year old me to Super Techmo Bowl. Two weeks ago a friend was able to locate the first 2 seasons on DVD and I've watched an average of 2-3 episodes a day.

Finally, after watching several hours of rich hot girls with rib, Meet the Press comes on. I morph from 13 year old chick to 68 year old cranky old man.

Having had the life sucked out of me by yet another health debate, I switch back to Gossip Girl. Around this time the Dog walks in the door just getting home from the night before. The Dog sawed? Damnit I suck! I'm immediately off the couch and into workout gear.

After a grueling 2 hours I headed over to g$'s house to watch hoops and start drinking bloody's and beers. For about the 549th time I realize I still don't like tomato juice. Maybe next time...

After an awesome first game Can Can and I headed north to our Buddy Bapp5's for Wrestlemania. Yes, I still watch wrestling. It was a great night of pounding beers at a furious pace (including several Ice Houses), gambling on fake sports and eating junk food. The night concluded with Shawn Michaels losing a retirement match to the Undertaker. If you haven't watched wrestling in 15 years, yes it is still the same two guys you watched as a kid. In what was at least my 4th nerdiest moment of the day, I was legitimately saddened to see HBK head to the old folks home.

I woke up to a massive hangover at 4 am and rolled around for another 2 hours. After slogging through a Monday that ranked high on the death scale I didn't think I could feel much worse, then Bill Simmons wrote this today:

More importantly, I have no favorite wrestlers left. Snuka, Savage, Hogan, Austin, Michaels … they're all gone. You know what that means? It's time to stop ordering WrestleMania after 26 years. Like with Michaels, it was a long and memorable run. Like with Michaels, you have to know when it's time to walk away. And I will. Twenty-six was enough.

So I'm the nerd who spent his Sunday watching, Gossip girl, Meet the Press, NCAA Hoops and Wrestlemania, and now my favorite sports writer has now deemed wrestling out of his age bracket. Wow, I'm an old nerd.

Calling Out the Cheapskate

2010-03-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to the cheapskate in my group. Over the last several months there have been various instances of cheapness, however no definitive proof. I'm using this blog to call you out. Since all of my friends read it, you've got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Its up to you to call yourself out, because time is running out.

I apologize to any random readers that have to put up with such a lame post.

Countdown to Spring Break

2010-03-23T06:24:00.000-07:00

Its the time of the year where the weather is finally breaking in Chicago which means one awesome thing; Spring Break. Unfortunately my spring break may not be as awesome as the pictures showing up in my Facebook newsfeed, but I will get to go hang out with college chicks! Before you start to feel the slightest bit jealous lets point out these girls will be fans of women's basketball at the ladies Final Four in San Antonio. Somehow I have tricked these people into actually wanting me to give a presentation to college basketball coaches. This should go over like watching paint dry. However, it gives me a chance to head south to lie about my age, so I'm stoked.

Could this be the lamest trip ever to look forward to? Could it be sneaky awesome? Will I saw someone over 6 feet tall?

Either way I'm taking no chances and getting on a heavy schedule of pounding my liver with booze and not eating to get in beach shape.

The Countdown

2010-03-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

http://www.nrcc.org/CodeRed/targets/

Hate to get political, but since I'm a die hard, I thought I'd pass this along.

Why Am I Dreaming About This?

2010-03-12T14:30:00.001-08:00

I woke up at 4 am this morning and rolled around for the next hour and a half while thinking/dreaming about work before giving up and heading to the gym. Later in the day I thought back to the good old days when my problem with waking up in the middle of the night was trying to take a leak with a woody from dreaming about girls with eating disorders at Kilroys.

Definitely not thinking about work.

JHC- Is this REALLY What my friends think of me?

2010-03-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

I received the following text on g-chat this morning. Wow. Way to kick a kid when he is down.

I thought of you twice today -

1) because I think you would like my book "How I Became Uncool." The book didnt make me think of you because you are uncool, but rather because it is about a guy who looks back at his life and wonders how his lawn care became more important to him then when he actually used to smoke the grass - and I thought it was a lot like how you see us "couple friends" now.

and 2. because I just saw that the music of ABBA is going to be at Ravinia

First of all, ABBA f-ing dominates.

Second of all, I now hope to drink so many car bombs on Saturday that I forget this chat took place. If by chance that fails to happen I will look back on this conversation fondly when the inevitable couple backlash occurs aka after everyone gets hitched their are immediate casualties to divorce. After these suckers have half their wealth drained I will immediately start hitting on their newly rich divorced wives and laugh at their irrational decisions.

Hit Me Up

2010-03-09T17:16:00.000-08:00

I just realized that somehow my Steating and Chealing email has been knocked out for who knows how long?

If you have a comment or would like to write me about any topic feel free to him me up at steatandcheal@gmail.com or As Always I welcome your comments!

-BD

Bill Simmons and Bruce would Get along Well

2010-03-03T09:43:00.000-08:00

Kudos to TP for finding the gem in the latest Simmons chat

Simmons is a disciple of Bruce

Matt (Philadelphia): Getting married tomorrow - What is the appropriate drinking amount for grooms at weddings?

Bill Simmons (2:56 PM): There is no appropriate amount. Knock yourself out. Just remember to eat so you have a food base.

Contradictions of Stupidity

2010-02-27T09:34:00.000-08:00

I love how when I go out I seem to alternate between making wise decisions and retarded decisions. Last night was a case in point for a series of baffling smart/dumb as rocks ideas.

5:30 Go to some happy hour thrown by the business that just moved in underneath us. Drink free good beer and delicious snacks. We are off to a great start.

6:00 Not satisfied with my current base of snack food I amke delicious Ramen to augment the base. Bruce would agree that this is quite wise.

7:00 Tony, Kerndog and I start aggressive pregaming a remember to DVR about 20 awesome concerts on palladia.. My night is looking rad.

9:00 Head to schoolyard for $30 all you can drink. Kerndog pays for the cab. My wallet approves.

9:15 Tony has already crushed 3 vodkas. My Budweiaser pace quickens.

10:00 This beer isnt getting me drunk enough. switch to whiskey.

10:15 I'm wasted. Back to beer.

11:00 Back to Whiskey

11:05 Start of Blackout

??? the beginning of vague memories

??? making out with a chick. Venue is unclear.

??? Get pizza. think to myself "My contacts hurt." i take them out and throw them

5:30 I wake up in my bed naked immediate thoughts: "Did I hook up? No I'm solo. I'm wet. Did I pee? Nope I went to bed with a beer."

5;35 I wrap myself in blanket and go back to sleep.

Tonight Bruce and Sue are coming into town which always turns into a shitshow. I should be checking in later.

BD Out.

A Few Friday Rants

2010-02-26T10:21:00.000-08:00

-For Some inexplicable reason our private bathroom at work has now been labeled for guests only. For a lactose intolerant old man this is awful news. Having to not sit in a public bathroom with other co-workers is completely unacceptable. Only a year ago we had separate private bathrooms on another floor. It was like Costanza's Fake Handicap bathroom. Incredible. I could hold 20 minute conversations in there. Now I'm reduced to waiting until I go home. Awful.

-Its great seeing fat people get excited about bagels and watching them jiggle their way toward the kitchen.

-Who are these morons who think that Lindsay Vonn isn't hot? Unacceptable.

-The only present I got for my birthday was a talking George W. Bush doll. He is awesome!

-Drunk Texting is one of the worst things in the world. I often hide numbers from myself so there is no possibility of a drunk text, by putting them under some bizarre-o name that I could never remember when I'm 2 sheets to the wind. Unfortunately this week I realized I'm only too smart by half. I was in Gmail and clicked on Sent Mail by accident and saw several pathetic emails sent out. F-ing Crackberry Google app!

Two Firsts for my 29th

2010-02-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

I would love nothing more than to report that my 29th Birthday went something like the email I wrote to my buddy about my plans for Friday night:

My plan is quite simple. Buy keg around 5, Tap it as close to 5:30 as possible. Break out Sink the Biz/cards. Finish Keg. Find pretty girl. Attempt to Saw. Black Out. Wake up and check phone for clues on how the night played out.

Unfortunately, I woke up still drunk having been quartered (a quarter gets dropped in your beer and you have to chug it) by my buddy Evan at least 5 times with very little recollection of leaving the house. I found no clues on me cell, therefore assumed that I had only gone to Wells on Wells, where I vaguely remembered buying a Budweiser before blacking out. Upon inspection of my wallet I realized not only did I forget to close my tab, but that I must have gone somewhere else after Wells on Wells because my 2nd credit card was also gone.

So I headed over to Wells on Wells and as the bartender searched through the pile of cards she gave me a funny look and remarked, "Wow, this is the first time I've seen someone who left two credit cards at the same bar." My tabs were for an impressive $12 and $4.

As if that wasn't enough of an embarrassing first, I was so hungover later in the day that I puked for the first time the day after drinking. I ended up going to bed at 8:00 and watching Karate Kid III on hulu. Some great weekend. I am happy to report that the bad guys in KKIII are as legendary as I remember.

I'm old and suck.

The Measures of Wednesday Drunk

2010-02-18T06:50:00.000-08:00

You know you were hammered last night when:

1) the emo graphic design kid beats you to work
2) you wake up wearing the clothes you wore to work
3) you find out the friends you were with went to the boats after you had already blacked out/passed out
4) your oatmeal explodes in the microwave while you were trying to drink water
5) you managed to only take out ONE contact the night before
6) its 9:08 and you just opened outlook
7) you find a half eaten cup of ramen next to your bed
8) you see a few texts you don't remember sending
9) you some tweets you dont remember sending
10) you were worried about getting a dui on the way to work
11) you realize the jacket you are wearing has a giant stain on it
12) you find yourself being tricked by multiple spam emails
13) you get told by the hot chick at work you have toothpaste on your mouth
14) it takes you way too long to type a simple email and then you have to spell check it twice
15) you are looking forward to sleeping tonight and its 9:45 am
16) you are too dehydrated to drink more coffee/the lifeblood of champions
17) you think "I'm too old for this"
18) you thank god your boss is in hawaii
19) you put your phone on mute during a conference call and make the promise to yourself "I will not talk"
20) you wonder "what is this moron talking about?"
21) you get an email from your dad about an investment and you redflag it for tomorrow
22) you wonder how you went out with $60 for a $15 all you can drink night and wake up with no money and your credit card out
23) you vaguely remember taking a cab three blocks home and not being able to communicate where you live
24) you wonder if its time for lunch at 10:30
25) you remember the sage like advice of Drunk Jeff "Winners Can Play Hurt!"

How Old Am I?

2010-02-16T14:48:00.000-08:00

My birthday is quickly approaching next week and I am extremely conflicted about the event that will bring me just 365 days from the end of life as a single kid in his 20's. In fact I'm pretty sure I had to stop using the term kid a few years ago. Do I qualify as a man? I'll let George and Jerry answer that:

Jerry: What is this? What are we doing? What in god's name are we doing?

George: What?

Jerry: OUR LIVES!! . What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.

George: No, we're not. We're not men.

Couldn't have said it better. So I thought I would dedicate this post to my various conflicting views on age.

-I would give the world for the ability to grow chest hair and a mustache, yet I am terrified of going bald. Other than Tom Selleck and a few notable exceptions these are usually mutually exclusive traits.

-For the past two weekends I have attended Indiana games while wearing my full IU warmup during pre-game and halftime and spent the game cheering in a jersey and shorts. Both times older women have asked me how far the trip from Bloomington was. Yet, when I attempted to hit on undergrads at the bar last weekend it was automatically assumed I was an alum.

-I get insulted when I'm carded by a bouncer and love it when I'm carded by a hot waitress.

-I wear jeans and sneakers to work, yet wear collars and brown shoes out at night.

-My favorite shows are WWE Raw, Jersey Shore and Gossip Girl yet I only listen to A.M. radio.

-And of course the biggest, my friends are all married/live with their girlfriends and if I make it through a weekend without embarrassing myself I consider progress made.

So due to the above and many more I clearly have absolutely zero desire to celebrate my birthday (besides what am I 10?). Yet, I still feel like I should do something, after all, I've claimed for years I hope to be dead by 35. So like everything in life I decided to compromise with myself by ordering a keg, inviting my friends, drinking like I'm 18 and my parents are out town, yet not telling anyone its my birthday.

Of course it is listed on Facebook and I'm sure a bunch of people will know anyway. Why don't I take it off my profile? Since my job is in Social Media and I always advocate being open (Steating and Chealing is example 1) I feel like I can't. As I said at the top conflicted........

Best Spam email Ive seen in Years

2010-02-11T15:20:00.000-08:00

Subject Line: Back to early days of romance
Body: Hordes of girls will starve to ride on your shaft! Best goods for upraising vigor! Male brands. Feel ecstatic joy tonight

Incredible

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2010-02-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

-In many ways my parents are more popular than I am with my friends. This is probably because they are always showing up with booze, baked goods, and picking up tabs while I show up drunk, inappropriate and rude. This is a bad thing.

I met my parents out for happy hour on Friday and somehow the topic came up at the Super Bowl party I was at. Immediately, there was a chorus of 3-5 girls, "I love your mom." It was then followed by a comment about how they had just gotten a new recipe from her. Since my mom has long since given up the thought of me finding a girlfriend in the near future she has started to acquire girls I know email addresses and start bombarding them with recipes.

The practice seems incredibly strange and creepy to me, but it does have one huge benefit. Other than paying for a family ski trip every year my parents have pretty much outlived their usefulness from a selfish standpoint. I'm finally 100% on my own and don't depend on them for anything. One glaring exception are my mom's baked goods. I'm pretty sure without timely access to various treats my body would go into a state of catatonic shock. So in many ways this proliferation of recipes actually further removes me from their grip. This is a good thing.

-Any other single guys absolutely furious Valentine's Day is on a Sunday night? I have to be surrounded by hearts and chocolate for a two week period and then I can't even hit the bars to hit on lonely depressed single chicks. Completely unacceptable.

-I get a daily spam email with the Subject line "the Best Porn." For about 2 seconds my heart skips a beat when it pops up in my lower right preview screen on Outlook. This is also one of my favorite points in the day.

-Finally, work is sending me to the Women's Final Four to speak at a workshop. I'm not sure if I'm excited to hit on lots of tall chick or terrified some tall, jacked lesbians will beat me up and I'll have to write about it here.

Have a good one! -bd

A Perfect Match

2010-02-08T13:52:00.000-08:00

I usually am a big fan of being an early adapter. Sometimes that decision really comes back to bite me in the ass (Sony Mini Disk, Sega Dreamcast), but many times I've struck gold (this blog, well at least I think its gold). One thing that I've heard multiple people mention lately is Internet dating. I'm not sure if they are bringing it up just because my luck with the ladies is less than stellar or if it really is the next big thing. But for whatever reason I'm still firmly against the concept. To me its like admitting defeat and waving the white flag to the world that you are so socially inept that you have no hope of ever having sex again.

Maybe it just takes a different kind of person to sign up. Much to my surprise at a party on Saturday I was informed by a girl that we were drinking with that she already knew another acquaintance at the party because she had already seen him on Match.com. My jaw about hit the floor. I guess he is waving that white flag.

Other random funny stuff that happened this weekend.

-A chain smoker successfully lit a flower planter on fire during a Super Bowl party. My attraction to her immediate sky-rocketed.

-I attended my first IU hoops game since graduation and was thrilled when the hot older chick next to me if I drove up from Bloomington for the game (of course I was wearing the full IU uniform at that time).

-How great is it when have an all day long bender for an event like the Super Bowl yet wake up for work feeling like a million bucks? Its like winning the hangover lottery.

Yep, these are my Friends

2010-02-02T06:08:00.000-08:00

I got this email from my buddy Con-Air:

I just found out that one of our IT people broke her foot today. When I enquired how, I was told that she had been sitting on her foot and it fell asleep. When she stood up, she apparently fell down and broke it. I can't stop laughing with this image in my mind.

My story for this would be that I got into an impromptu UFC fight, my competitor got me into an ankle lock, and I chose to have him break my ankle rather than submit. Obviously.

I told someone at work this happened, and his response was:

"One time in Madison I saw a blind guy chasing a bus run straight into a street lamp."

Its fun to laugh at other people's misfortunes.

That sums it up pretty good.

Random thought I had at the Airport

2010-02-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

At times when I'm sitting on the couch solo, drinking a beer, watchin IU I will feel pretty pathetic.

Then I check twitter/facebook and realize all the hot/single girls I know are watchin the biggest loser.

Then I flash to my married friends watching the same. This is usually when I laugh and grab another beer.

Rip it and Get Wasted Part III

2010-02-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

This last week marked the third year that I returned to Vail with my old roommate Frosty to spend several days trying to ski/drink as much as humanly possible without killing ourselves. Last year another former co-worker FNG joined in the fun and now we have an annual trip
planned. We chose the week after the championship games and in between the Super Bowl as a great time due to the usually good snow, great weather, lack of crowds and no football conflict (Frosty is a die hard Pats fan). Of course this had to be the year that Vail rolled out Gay Ski Week, so for the few weeks leading up to the trip we were hit with a barrage of texts asking about our new lifestyle choices.

I began my portion of the trip by picking up the classic book I Hope They Serve beer in Hell, by Tucker Max. (Note: many assume he was the inspiration for this blog and reference him to me often. I've never read it and now deeply regret waiting so long.). After a plane ride of
Heinekens and laughing out loud I landed in Menver determined to ruthlessly hit on chicks and get even more drunk than I previously had planned. After several more airport beers Frosty and FNG landed from Boston and we soon had our rental car flooring it to Vail.

I made FNG immediately pull over to buy more beer and we continued on our journey. About halfway to Vail road conditions worsened considerably and FNG was bravely navigating as my buzz grew in the back seat.

When we were about 20 minutes away we came to the decision to pack it in early and wake up ready to ski. This did not sit well with our friends who were patiently awaiting our arrival at Garfs. Several text and angry phone calls later we were at the bar chatting away with
the old crew, John, Softy/Salty, Adam, Roadhead (sorry Amy I had to use the nickname, if anyone else claims they haven't used it they are fucking liars), the Generator, and I'm sure I'm missing a few more. All of a sudden it was one in the morning aka 2 cst and 3 est so we were all ready to crash.

We made it back to the condo and hit the hay. We made it into town around 8 the next morning and geared up to rip it. The older couple whose condo were staying at had left Safety Medicine for FNG behind so we immediately had a quick meeting in the Game Creek trees and spent a
rad day on the mountain.

We came down for lunch at Moes (the single greatest BBQ spot I've ever had the enjoyment of housing) and received a phone call from our friend Generator. She had been fired by all of our former boss Tom, for accepting a check for $2100, about $800 in actual merchandise for
him, even though she had taken down all of his Passport information and had worked there for 5 years! This predictably pissed all of us off incredibly and we made the vow to make sure to demo some gear in her honor.

(note on the topic: Tom was already on my top 10 list of hated individuals for screwing several people out of money, for telling me he would help pass my resume around in Denver then not returning an email or phone call and for generally being a tightfisted two faced prick.)

After a few more hours on the mountain we headed to Garfs and half the town stopped by to wish Generator the best including the manager at the shop MattyC and Coop. As I said she had been there 5 years! We eventually went over to Bart's for some more cocktails and were greeted to several rounds from Foley (the owner). We had a chat with The General, who owns a competing ski shop, and he confirmed what we knew; Tom is a douchebag. After several more stories were exchanged we finally headed home around 9 already completely wasted.

The next day was pretty rad well and we capped off the day by skiing off the backside of the mountain to the next town over aka The Minturn Mile. We hiked up the ridge chugged a beer then took off down through a pretty sick powder field. All of a sudden I ended up at the river where we meet and chug another beer and I waited and waited and waited...

When the rest of the crew arrived I heard a tale of Frosty double ejecting and FNG flying waist deep into snow. After another beer we navigated through the rest of the dirt and rock filled luge with only minimal damage to our skis. We then made our way to the Minturn Saloon for Margs and chips and salsa. Since I hadn't eaten the entire day after about 3 margs I announced to the crowd "I'm officially wasted." As the afternoon progressed and several pitchers later Softy announced he was going to order food. I immediately agreed with this decision until our waitress shot us down and claimed we couldn't order off the bar menu in the bar only the dining room. Being thoroughly complexed Softy said he would go discuss with bartender, then immediately forgot. Assuming food was on its way I kept pounding drinks. Around 30 minutes later someone floated the idea of leaving and I responded we couldn't because food was coming. Softy immediately responded "Woops I forgot."

We got back to Vail and headed over to Garfs with the current Double Diamond Rental Crew for some more beers and much needed food. However after several un-needed shots I woke up the next morning on the couch. When FNG made his way into the room we both had the same immediate reaction, "Do you even remember paying the tab last night?" We consulted our wallets and it appeared that paper money was missing therefore we concluded it was reasonable to assume we paid.

Friday was an absolute perfect bluebird day. We had another great day on the mountain, then skied down to meet our buddy Alan and to pick up some beers for Friday Afternoon Club on top of the mountain. We grilled on top of the mountain with the current ski shop crew and moved from deck to deck until all the beer was gone. Adding to the fun was the fact that Alan had to spend over 30 minutes on a conference call for work as we acted like morons around him. After a quick trip through the mini park and some sick spread eag's we once again found ourselves at Barts for just one. That plan was laughable. Somewhere along the way to running up a $180 tab a semi attractive coug sat down next to me. Game on. I couldn't seal the deal but ended up with a phone number. About 10 minutes later I had already gotten a text, but my friends deemed me way too drunk to come up with a response. Therefore the phone was passed to Alan to respond. More on this later... Once again, we left the bar and I ended up passed out on the floor.

I awoke once again the next morning featuring a slight hangover but made it to the mountain for a chill day of cruising around the mountain. The day got slightly interesting when the coug from the night before started texting me about my plans. Alan has some sick game. However the facts that I remembered her being only slightly attractive and was still nursing a hangover led me to tell her I couldn't meet up for drinks because we were headed to the Village.

After a quick beer at Moe's we headed back to the condo for some pre-gaming and caught a bus to meet the whole crew at Vendetta's aka Vin Diesel's Restaurant for pizza and drinks. Frosty, FNG and I arrived in perfect timing to grab the last table at the lower bar. Out of nowhere came a group of 4 cougs that asked if they could join us. We happily obliged and I began macking relying on some of my new-found lines from Tucker Max. I told the group that I was in law school in Chicago so I could afford to buy expensive things for my future wife. The line went over pretty well and one of the cuter ones asked me which school and I responded U of Chicago. She looked over at FNG for confirmation and he responded with a dazed look, "That's news to me." Fuck you FNG.

After some more laughs and a few rounds purchased from the ladies they departed and the group which now included Adam, Nick, Softy debated which one was the hottest. I was adamant that the tallest one was the hottest on the basis of height and rib. The rest of the group was unconvinced. Idiots. Eventually, a few more Cougs, Generator, Wild Thing and few more joined us on our road to stupid. Soon enough I found myself taking shots and dancing to a DJ in the basement of Vin Diesels.

As the bar closed we headed up to the transportation center where I immediately housed a bag of Gardetto's. Frosty then informed me we were heading to the George to try and grab one more drink. We were unsuccessful but we ran into the group of Cougs from earlier. The Tall One was wearing some sort of mask (incomprehensibly baffling), so I tried to make out with another one. She promptly denied me and I was swung in a semi circle and was all of a sudden making out with clearly the ugliest one of the group. She also had a ring on her finger, making her easily the oldest and also the first married chick I have ever made out with. I also had Gargdettos breath, so I had that going for me.

On the way home I sat next to some spanish speaking cutie (or so I think) and started spitting game in Spanish (again, or so I think). However before I could attempt to make an ass of myself FNG was so drunk that he made us get off the bus several stops early. He then told us we were on the wrong side of the highway. We responded telling him he was the drunkest person in Vail.

I awoke Sunday feeling somewhere between death and still drunk. I drank the opened but still full beer sitting next to me from last night and yelled at FNG about his drunkeness. His hangover of death confirmed that he was the drunkest person in Vail that night (and he started the night claiming he was only coming out for pizza and a beer. Silly FNG). I was too hammered to remember to put in my contacts and headed to the mountain to ski off the hangover. About halfway through the day I once again started getting texts from the Coug at Barts. This time Frosty convinced me to meet up with her and so after skiing she was supposed to meet me at Garf's. You would think after 8 or so texts in 72 hours she would have been dtf, but instead she no-showed. I felt like a solid nerd. Oh well, gotta swing for the fences.

After a solid night's sleep consisting of Tylenol PM and the cold sweats I headed into town for a few more hours of skiing before heading down to Denver.

The week was pretty, pretty, pretty, rad. Remind me again why I moved to Chicago?

Random Sunday Thoughts

2010-01-24T17:47:00.000-08:00

My weekend has been an absolute mess. I have easily been more drunk for a longer period of time than anytime since summer. I'm pretty sure I showed up at a party last night and completely embarrassed myself/was fucking rad (I have no clue which). After a long Sunday of drinking and football it seemed like the right time to fire up a blog of more random thoughts.

-My dad collects newspapers. There is nothing he enjoys more than forcing my mom to drive him in the mobile command center (their Red mini van, version Zelda 4) while he lounges in the back seat devouring old Barons.He consistently complains that he has no time to read books and is constantly calling me and referencing Wall street journal from 3 weeks ago. Its gotten to the point that whenever we go on vacation or a roadtrip he brings at least 10-20 old papers with him. I'm convinced he is the first person to enjoy traveling for the actual trip rather than the destination.

-When I was growing up my parents gave us portable video games to shut us up. The invention of Gameboy easily saved many lives. Now the script has been flipped. The video games Talk to the kids! I spent a plain ride listening to some kid talk about horses to his video game. Baffling

-When I get an evite I immediately check who else is coming and monitor over the course of the next week. My attendance of any event is usually based on who else is attending. Is this weird?

-Anyone else thrown off with Freddy Prinze on 24? Im not sure if he will save the world or be named prom king.

-I've always been scared of keg stands. My usual excuse is that I'm weirded out because a kid died at another frat my freshman year when the morons holding him up dropped him on his head. However, I'm really just scared I wont be able to chug a lot on the big stage in front of everyone else.

-I move so much that I can no longer remember which bars I live close to. People suggest bars to meet up at that I automatically dismiss than later realize are a stones throw away.

-You know you got too drunk on a weekday when you start watching a show you DVR'd than all of a sudden the details slowly start seeping back in. this happens almost every 3 30 Rocks.

-My brother works my parents like a batter working the strike count. His girlfriend is now the frequent recipient of random gifts from my mom. I would complain, but he is so obviously their only hope for grand kids that I really can't protest.

-My friends who have ubber girlfriends aka engaged just cant afford a ring yet, now get incredibly amped up when their ladies take off for a weekend. its gotten so bad that they now brag about the food they plan on eating when their better half is off campus. God I hope I never get to the point where I'm bragging that I'm planning on eating a burrito.

-i'll end this post with some classic/conflicting advice from my dad

1) Always be flexible. don't buy. Rent. the housing bubble has allowed him to constantly bring up "I told so and so, I don't think you should get tied down.....yada yada yada" Of course he bought a lake cottage right out of college and often calls it his best investment ever.

2) Do all of your shopping at JOS A Bank.

3) Anything electronic = bad. write everything down on paper. this is easily his most baffling quirk. He can't remember a birthday but knows he took is 88 Honda in for an oil change at 3,008 miles.

-

The Calorie Count

2010-01-13T08:19:00.001-08:00

Is anyone else disgusted that everyone from Taco Bell to Applebees are advertsing new "Diet" food? The whole Jaredification of fast food seems a bit overblown. I don't think this is moving our society any closer to an age where the gym ISN'T packed with fat chicks on Jan 1st.

That said there were a ton of sneaky hot chicks at the gym last week...

New Years in Vail

2010-01-12T15:40:00.001-08:00

I spent the New Year visiting my old stomping ground in Vail with the whole family. Remarkably the only major fight we got in was when my dad refused to eat dinner until he had finished his cocktail. In his old age it’s completely unacceptable to consume a meal until at least one scotch is complete.

I spent the week getting safe and hammered across the mountain and at après. Macking in Vail is always a high risk endeavor, but one night I was somehow closing down the bars with my buddy Softy hitting on some foreign chick. I ended up making out with her while waiting for the bus, and instead of getting her number she wrote her name and where she worked on my forearm (I have no idea why). I promptly took the wrong bus home and had to run about a mile and a half back to our condo.

The real fun of the trip (other than the safety) occurred New Years Eve. We began the night snowshoeing up the mountain enjoying some PBR’s and the fireworks launching above town. Afterward we headed down to Garfs for a night of fun.

The first FU happened immediately upon walking in the door when I was hit with a $100 all you can drink/eat charge after repeatedly being told I could skate by on former-local status. Bad and I immediately decided to set off on a break neck pace to get $100 drunk. The next FU occurred when eating soon proved more difficult than finding a hot girl in Vail. The ordering system was more complicated than putting together a dresser from IKEA (Can Can severely botched this one last week). The next FU was when Bad ditched me due to gf drama and I was now blacked out at a bar solo.

The next thing I remember (definitely not midnight) was deciding to call my mom for a ride home at 2:30 am. Incredulously, she actually drove down the mountain to pick me up.
I arose the next morning to a $100 hangover, a missing jacket and a missing debit card. I stumbled upstairs around 7:30 to the stunned on look of my parents. I managed to avoid a major lecture, but as I reached for the Vodka to make a screwdriver my mom went into a series of hysterical “NO, NO, No’s!” I assured them that the hair of the dog was always the best strategy and went about watching football and getting ready for a safe day of skiing.

We ended the day with margs at a Mexican bar with the other side of the family that once and for all killed my hangover and got me ready for 8:00 bedtime. Just as we got home and I was headed to bed my dad announced “Who want to join me for an after dinner drink?” I didn’t want to get shown up by the old man so I jumped on board only to be hit with a low blow from my mom. “Bruce, didn’t you just remark you hope bd isn’t an alcoholic?” Ouch.

The last memorable day consisted of Bad and I getting blacked out at après after our final day and coming home so hammered that our parents wouldn’t let us drink the cocktails we poured but insisted on first diluting them with more mixers. We passed out before we could finish them anyway.

Happy New Year!

Random Thoughts from the Holiday

2010-01-05T06:30:00.000-08:00

When I am home in Milwaukee people always ask me where I go out in Chicago. I feel like they are disappointed when I answer Lincoln park/old town area and they immediately ask where I go downtown.

For about 30 seconds I think maybe I should go out downtown more. Then I think of having to wear respectable clothing, wait in some absurd line, and battle some dude in a shiny shirt for the right to buy a 10 buck drink and I laugh at myself for being a moron.
-
Ever get roped into playing photohunt with a girl and they refuse to play naked chick mode? I immediately lose all ability to get a single thing right.

On the flip side there are times where the girl is so hot I can't bring myself to look for any differences because I'm glued to her hoo hoos. It's like Harry Carray staring at the sun.
-
Why do the worst bars in Chicago have bathroom attendants? Its like they are admitting their place is such a dive that they need to ensure you wash your hands or you'll spread the plague.
-
I only have three paces of drinking. My pace, chugging my beer and then waiting for my friends to finish so I'm on their pace and Drunk Jeffs pace where I'm halfway done with my beer and he punches me for slow drinking and demands I catch up.
-
I'll wrap things up with a story from last New Year's Day. At the time my blog was in a brief state of retirement so I never had a chance to tell this gem. I got back to Chicago from spending NYE in Milwaukee around 2ish to find all of my roommates missing. I soon tracked down the Dog in Wrigleyville drinking for the Winter classic, so I figured what the hell my hangover isnt too bad I'll join him.

I arrived at Schoolyard to see the Dog half hammered just getting to the spit in your face stage when he is trying to make a big point. He had decided to ride the rail (drink one of every beer on tap) in the hopes of winning a free t-shirt and a party to be named later. I briefly considered joining him but realized I was too far behind to begin the journey. So I sat back and watched him spiral into pure Dog mode.

He hit his peak on his 2nd to last beer when I decided to quarter him while he was drinking some sort of apple ale. He briefly looked up in despair before realizing that I would not give him a pass so he chugged his beer. He immediately started puking in his hand and ran outside. Incredibly, he reemerged moments later after apparently wiping off the puke in the snow and continued to finish his final beer and win the coveted T-shirt. Now that's starting the New Year off with a bang!

New Year's Resoultion: Stop Being Such a Pussy

2010-01-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

2009 In Review

2009-12-23T06:57:00.000-08:00

2009 was the year of the Recovery, I ended 08 a broken nerd with a broken hand and had retired Steating and Chealing. It didn’t start off too hot as I was at some sort of pirate bar in Milwaukee allegedly making out with a fat chick, but its ending on a high note. Had a great holiday season with my friends and am heading out to Colorado for the New Year. So, here is my list of, uhh, events from 2009 and “the Best of my Twitter Feed”

Politics

Former roommate who doesn’t wish to be named gave me a Big O Cut-out for Christmas. The Kerndog gave me Chia-obama. Clearly I voted for Bob Barr.

Business

My job remains semi-unbelievable, as in when I explain it to people they think I’m lying.

Fashion

Lost 4 pairs of glasses, finally got contacts, still not thrilled about poking myself in the eye.

Rib remains as the best look in 2009.

Travel

Moved again 10 years straight a total of 16 times, ugh.

Blacked out in LA, Vail, Indiana, Wisconsin and Indiana.

Made it to every IU game, only slept in my car twice.

Pop Culture:

The Jersey Shore happened and changed the meaning of The Situation forever

GI Joe the Movie happened and changed the meaning of Favorite childhood toy ever

Athletics

Ran a half marathon drunk

Sci-Tech

The Year in Twitter- The sad yet significant change in my life this year was the acqusistion of a Blackberry. Within 2 weeks I was completely addicted and spent most of the year tweeting away.

Just saw a girl at the gym wearing what appeared to be underwear. Apparently her NY resolution was to dress classy. 5:38 PM Jan 5th from TwitterGadget

Playing the Only the Strong no sleeves drinking game at 10 am on a Sunday may not have been too wise, but it was rad! 8:26 AM Jan 12th from web

@MRHess Lohan is single again! Score! 9:08 AM Apr 7th from TweetDeck in reply to MRHess

I can't believe its 2009 and meet the press is featuring a panel discussing pirates. It feels like I'm taking crazy pills 9:12 AM Apr 12th from TwitterBerry

Softy claims I was macking a 15 year old last night...spring break! 9:31 AM Apr 18th from TwitterBerry

http://www.awkwardboners.com/ Hysterical 8:18 AM May 1st from TweetDeck

Would you rather hang out w Ian Ziering or the Worlds Most Interesting Man? 3:26 PM May 9th from TwitterBerry

I watched a combo of 24, WWE Raw, the Hills, and House last night, I wonder how many 28 yr olds rock that combo? 9:13 AM May 12th from TweetDeck

If the Brewers Season turns south I'm blaming this d-bag for destroying our good karma http://twurl.nl/tbsqz7 1:51 PM May 18th from TweetDeck

We honestly have 12 people and 5 coolers in a surburban. this should be considered one of mans all time engineering feats 7:19 AM May 24th from TwitterBerry

Talking to your parents on the phone while hearing your brother sawing is incredibly weird 9:15 AM Jun 21st from TwitterBerry

Incredible GI Joe Cartoon montage - this has me more than pumped up for the new movie - http://tinyurl.com/nzplwa 8:36 AM Jul 7th from TweetDeck

Aunt Jemima just asked me for spare change. The syrup business must.be hit by the credit crunch 4:39 PM Jul 30th from UberTwitter

Ran into my prom date at breakfast, woulda seemed more normal if I wasn't in college at the time. #fb 11:59 AM Aug 23rd from UberTwitter

Jelacic: will miss you Swayze. You taught us the importance of practicing tai chi shirtless and how to defeat a villain like Brad Wesley. 8:23 AM Sep 15th from TweetDeck

Down goes Snickers! 9:25 PM Dec 3rd from UberTwitter

I’ll end this post with a bit of wisdom from my father, “Build a Good Base Boys.” Have a Happy 2010

In Honor of My Self Given Email "The Animal"

2009-12-23T06:54:00.000-08:00

The Single Guy Fear

2009-12-22T07:29:00.000-08:00

As more and more of my friends move to a married state of living with their girlfriends/ disappearing for long periods of time, my anxiety over my weekend plans continues to grow. At this point in my life it is entirely unacceptable to sit on my ass on a Friday because I'm tired/hungover/its snowing/I'm coughing up a lung/pretty much any reason. However, for the first time in my life I have to actually worry that I'll have something to do. Luckily, football season knocks out my fall and there are enough events going on in Chicago that this rarely occurs, but I fear this risky event will become more and more likely as time goes on.

I was on the verge of this terrible occurrence happening on Friday, until I was saved by the Ghost of Beer Drinking D. Sarrey. He decided to fly into town on a whim and get hammered with us. He spent the night entertaining with tales of strippers and other shenigans that left me thoroughly impressed. If he is having this much fun in boomblefuck Ohio, I surely can scrape something together in Chicago. He arrived for the weekend without packing, just the shirt on his back, and I never heard from him on Saturday, but he has restored my confidence in singledom and mankind!

Are You Insane?

2009-12-15T06:58:00.000-08:00

Everyone has them, the childhood friend of Facebook who posts the most ridiculous crap you've ever seen. I have a lot of them, but my neighbor growing up takes the cake. He decided to go into the witch doctor business know as chiropractics and now spends his day updating Facebook with enough bizarre posts that I would question any moron who pays $200 to get his back cracked.

If you remove disease do you get health?

How Ironic is this? Mercury spill, shuts down H1N1 clinic. Funny that mercury is in the H1N1 vaccine and is considered safe to inject into children and pregnant mothers, but is treated as a biohazard and deadly toxin when outside the vaccine.

Maximized Living Chiropractic is the official wellness advisors for the US Wrestling team and US Judo team! Our protocols on health, wellness and vitality are going global!

To see what others do not see. To see further than others. See before they do. -Dr. BJ Palmer, developer of chiropractic Prevent disease before it happens is the ONLY CURE.

Two roads diverged in the woods, and I--I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost Law of Reversal - if you want health, if you want wealth, then you have to do the opposite of everyone else. You cannot follow the masses because the masses are wrong.

Prevention is key, do not wait until your back hurts to do something about it. Prevent cancer, prevent heart disease, prevent pain... if you don't all you have is drugs, surgery and a VERY large bill.

He appears to be making the argument that back pain leads to every disease since the plague. On second thought, I'm worried about going bald, I better get my back cracked ASAP!

Christmas Party Fun

2009-12-14T16:05:00.002-08:00

The last two weekends of my life have been marked by Christmas parties. The first was my buddies and my annual Holiday Extraganza that we have been throwing since college. The event was another great success but as with most events lacked any signature hilarious moment. I didn't pop a woody in my onesie or do anything remotely embarrassing. I spent most of the night bartending and hitting on girls only to go home solo. Typical.

Contrast that with my work Christmas Party on Friday. I got so drunk on Scotch that I blacked out around 8:30. I've spent the entire workday sitting on pins and needles terrified who would come over and start ripping apart whatever performance I put on. I awoke Saturday morning still smashed missing both my ID and coat (a similar looking coat that was way too small hung in my closet). Since IU was playing at 11, we immediately starting drinking again and I set about getting my stuff back after the game. I had to resort to calling my credit card company to find out where my last charge was at. Apparently I went to a bar after the party, so my next call was there. Yep, they had my coat and ID.

Upon there collection we headed over to Haligan for a bit before I sketched out around 9 and passed out until 8 am when I had to again rally for the Bears Packer game. The game was easily my most sober event of the weekend (mostly to the Illinois liquor laws not serving booze until 10 am).

So at my party with my friends, I didn't black out, drank till 3 in the morning and ended up with a phone number, yet at my work party I was the drunkest person there, lost all my stuff and ended up passing out around 10. Wow, not really making progress here.

The Reunion

2009-12-14T16:05:00.001-08:00

I apologize for the long delay in posts, life has been busy balancing work and getting wasted around the holidays. My first huge event the past few weeks was my 10 year high school reunion. I was quite worried how to dress for the event, yet had absolutely no idea what to wear. T-shirt and jeans? Button down? Who knows. Ultimately, I decided to raid my dad’s closet and wear all JOS A gear.

I would separate the people at the reunion into several categories.

Too Cool for School Crowd - The no-shows. For the 90% of kids who didn't show give me a break, I know you were sitting at your parents house talking about how you didn't want to attend such a lame event. weak.

The WTF? Category - Headlined by our former 350 lb nose guard T. Fortin who showed up dressed in full Tyler Durden red leather gear with a goth looking girlfriend. He was the only person I was scared to talk to.

Yep that sounds about Right Crew- All the kids I knew would get married as soon as they were able to find someone willing to have sex with them. This was by far the biggest category.

The night was solid but unspectacular. Easily, the best line of the night was "I don't care which chicks are married, I want to know who is divorced." This leads me to the final category the JHC What Happened to You? Crew - Unlike the WTF category they lacked the flair to stand out, but nevertheless had clearly taken a turn for the worse.

Sadly I probably belong in the Final Not too much happening crew - I work at X place, no I'm not married, no I don't have a kid, yes I will black out tonight.

The Blacked Out Text

2009-11-25T06:32:00.000-08:00

So last night I received a text from a lady inquiring what she should wear on Saturday night. Saturday Night?!! Saturday happens to be my 10th high school reunion and I've been scheming for a month or so how I can add an extra zero to the back of my paycheck and not come off like an ass (In reality this zero doesn't exist and I doubt anyone will believe that I'm in charge of social media. I'm guessing everyone will assume I'm either living off my parents or am involved in a pyramid scheme).

Needless to say I wasn't expecting this text and I was stunned this person was even in my phonebook. Some quick research revealed that while blacked out driving home from Bloomington I actually invited this chick to be my date to the reunion. In the history of ridiculously dumb ideas this has to rank near the top.

So last night I had to quickly go in to recovery mode and dis-invite her. Did I make the phone call? Hell no. She was invited by text she was de-invited by test. I will no proceed to hell.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Escalation

2009-11-23T15:55:00.000-08:00

The weekend sometimes has a way of escalating. A drink here, football game there and all of a sudden its Monday morning and all you can do is shake your head and laugh at your stupidity. This last weekend was a true example of the slippery slope to disaster.

I headed out for IU Friday afternoon and headed immediately to Fratroys for happy hour. Soon things escalated at Upstairs downing AMF’s and ended with me and Bapp5 at Jimmy Johns. I attempted to put down the Gargantuan but failed and had to hand the final bit to the human trash compacter.

Saturday was another beautiful day at IU. We got to the tailgate fields around 11 and were roaring pretty good by 2. Soon we were pretty toasted and headed into the game flasks in hand. After a trying first half we headed back out to refill only to find in horror that the rum supply had been consumed. This led to us sneaking massive amounts of beer back in for the 2nd half. Drunk Jeff took the added step of actually sneaking a whole bottle of champagne into the game. He was actually caught by the usher and proceeded to somehow talk him out of taking the rest of the booze.
By the time the game was over we were pretty toasted. We made the decision to stay and watch the band until Drunk Jeff (aided no doubt by the champagne) unleashed a fury of verbal jabs at the band director for allegedly not doing enough to interrupt Purdue’s band moments earlier. Soon things escalated to the point where he was calling for the firing of the band director.

We then set back to the tailgate until 10 or so, because we clearly hadn’t drank enough yet. After a few more drinks and various foods we headed out to the bars. Upstairs was a complete blur to me and somehow I decided to stay out later to attempt to mack. Complete failure.

I arose Sunday to a hangover of strong to quite strong proportions. I was having some coffee chatting with the mom of the condo where we were staying and she casually mentioned that IU was playing a home NCAA tournament soccer game today. This sounded intriguing and I quickly crackberried it. I was a 2pm start time and remarked that would put us in Chicago a bit later than I would like, but was quickly reminded to remember the time change.

This put me over the edge. I soon had recruited T-eck and drunk jeff for this excursion. We headed over to Buffalo Loiuis for our usual Sunday lunch where we started forcing beer down the trap. After finishing our meal we then headed over to Nick’s to continue our day watching the IU hoops team. As game time approached suddenly we were soon drinking double whiskeys and taking shot of Jaeger. This led to an impromptu visit to the store formerly knows as Steve and Barry’s for IU soccer tshirts.

We then filled up the ol flasks and headed into the soccer game. On the way in we paused at the memorabilia stand to pick up more gear. As we discussed the merits of each type of gear, we also started flirting with the girl behind the counter. We settled on buying IU soccer hats and ended up playing credit card roulette to see who pick up the tab. I got hit and as I was signing the receipt I put down my phone number (at the time I thought she was cute).

During the second half of the game I started receiving texts from this girl, so Jeff decided it best to invite her back to the condo to keep drinking. She agreed and so after the game we first headed to the frat house to say hi to Barb, then Jeff ended up stealing eggs out of the kitchen and egging every car in site at AZD. Finally we ended back at he condo, this random chick actually showed up, we cracked a bottle of wine, I ended up making out with her, then we suddenly realized that we were insane and left for Chicago. Easily the biggest escalation of the weekend.

Random Thursday

2009-11-19T06:27:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted for a while so I thought I would keep a running blog of my workday today.

8:00 Score, someone brought in popcorn. Breakfast of champs!

8:05-8:30 Help my buddy Facestalk a girl. She just joined our PR team and he has no idea how he knows her, but somehow he knows her.

8:30 - LinkedIn solves the mystery. She came in and pitched us for a different PR company. Not too stellar.

8:30 - 9:00 Read my daily rotation of Sports blogs

9:00 useless meeting. Wait, this is my first actual work of the day.

9:01 Pheeewww. Meeting Cancelled. Back to the net.

9:15 Let the blogging begin

9:45 Third cup of coffee, check. time for the first trip to the private bathroom.

10:00 chatting with an unbelievably dumb unpaid intern at a company in NYC. The fact that she has been an intern for 2+ years speaks volumes to her intelligence. If I could reach through my computer screeen and strangle her. I would.

Work time

1:00 A Gmail argument erupts about IU football. As usual Drunk Jeff believes that IU has sold fake tickets to the game in order to better market the team. What an idiot.

1:39 this sounds all too familiar

2:00-3:00 Argued about what a letter should say. Really? The meeting ends with no consensus.

3:00-4:30- gym

4:30 IU game tips. Tv's are on. I just got a lot more productive.

5:30- I'm outta here to catch the end of the game and a cocktail.

The Sliding Scale of Success

2009-11-02T06:06:00.000-08:00

Last nights Halloween wasn't the wildest night I've ever had, but I did wake up the next morning and my hand wasn't broken (unlike last year) and there was a half finished text message to a lass that I was quite pleased to keep in the draft form. I had survived. To me this constituted success.

As I went about my Sunday hangover recovery routine, (Meet the Press, breakfast, stupid mindless movies, and gym...kinda lame but better than my other routine of waking up keepin the sweet buzz going) I tried to replay the previous night and some of the better costumes.
My buddies Boobcocks whole crew dressed as the cast from Dexter. I've never seen the show so nothing really made sense, but Boobcocks wife (I still can't believe I'm mentioning friend's wives on my blog) was dressed only in saran wrap.

While her costume was meaningless at the time, it did spark memories of my all-time favorite Halloween soph year of college and the girl I was hooking up with at the time. She went as a left over and simply wrapped her self in saran wrap as well (you can read the whole recap
here). Laughing at her costume today made me think of another random night in college and compare my old definition of success to its current sad state.

Two of my friends from HS were in town visiting from Purdue and we were partying Saturday night after a football game. Saran wrap arrived and we headed up to the cold dorm where I received a top notch bj. Afterward we just went back down to the party and things
continued. Side note: I would still rank her as the best giver of head that I've ever encountered, but I can't remember her name. Its funny how a guys memory works like that.

My buddies from HS always marveled at that night at how nonchalant I was about hooking up so easily. She didn't even stay at the frat house that night. Of course I was way too nonchalant. It was my first semester living in the frat house and I assumed this would ALWAYS happen. She
soon got rid of me after I made up some excuse to not meet her parents so I could try to hook up w someone else.

That was what I deemed a successful night and I just assumed they would keep on coming.....woops.

Note: I'm sure there will be some doubters of this recount. Feel free to contact TP, he can verify all the vital components.

Ill end the post on a good night by say, "Hey at least my hand isn't broken!" FML

I Blocked the Dog?

2009-10-31T06:11:00.000-07:00

I found out yesterday that I was the cause of The Dog breaking up with girl he was dating, George Washington (named George Washington due to her fake wooden teeth), when I first moved to chicago. I wasn't a big fan, but nevertheless feel poorly that I was personally responsible for ending a friends sawing.

On the other hand, I apparently caused this drama for calling her a cunt-muscle. I have no idea why I resorted to dropping a c bomb, but it was probably for a good reason like her spilling a beer or making fun of IU. What kind of crazy chick then expects her Dog boyfriend to bitch me out for some harmless namecalling?

Since I recall none of this, the whole event sounds rather made up to me.

Homecoming Part 5

2009-10-28T06:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I've finally hit the mark of attending as many homecoming out of school as I did when in. This spring will mark my 29th birthday and I will have spent as much time out of school as in (God bless the Victory Lap!). So needless to say I was excited to get back to IU to try prove that I still had my fastball if needed.

I got off work at 5:30 on the dot and floored it to B-town. Its amazing how easy the drive is going there (even solo at night) and how miserable it is driving home hungover with a friend on a beautiful day after a victory. I walked into Nick's just in time to see Drunk Jeff and Doo Doo taking shots in only 4:15 door to door. Fantastic! After a solid round of sink the biz Jeff and I picked up the bill for the undergrads with us. Always amazing to see their happy faces as we are again reminded that drinking in college was incredibly cheap.

We headed over to Fratroys for some Beam and cokes and more fun. In my old age I adjusted my strategy to hit on GDI's rather than sorostitutes figuring a better chance of success. My back story of being a freshman at McNutt was working surprisingly well, until somehow (and by somehow I mean too many shots) it slipped that I was "really" 24. It turns out that she also lived at McNutt as a frosh and was only interested in hooking up with a frosh. I'm not sure if I should be happy she bought that I was a frosh or saddened that she thought 24 was creepy and old. What the hell will 29 be?

We ended the night by heading to T-hell only to find it closed. However, Drunk Jeff pulled a savvy old guy move by convincing some chicks to let us in their car to order drive through. Jeff ordered an impressive $30 worth of T-hell, then demanded an inordinate amount of Fire sauce. As soon as we got the fire sauce some sort of argument broke out about extra cheese sauce he had ordered. After he felt satisfied with his order he switched to insulting the girls who kindly let us order from their back seat and quickly received the boot.

We awoke the next morning to Jeff sprawled out on a chair with his gut hanging impressively out. Normally, this would just be another Friday, but we were staying at his girlfriend's condo and her dad was also there that night. In horror/amusement he snapped a quick pic of Jeff and sent it out to his daughter.

I spent the day working remotely from B-town and let me tell you it was one of the single greatest experiences of my life. After a long hard day we met up with Bad and headed to dinner at Scotty's then headed to Hoosier Hysteria. We had secured some rad VIP tickets so the vent was pretty incredible despite some of Tom Crean's borderline pathetic antics (i.e. cameo by Jared from Subway).

We finalized another night by meeting Can Can Benny B and Bapp 5 at the condo then heading to Fratroys. On the way to Fratroys Benny B decided to slip into his old house from college and steal a bobblehead shaped like a keg. Doo Doo and I implored him to put it back so he threw it on the ground and broke it. We got pretty blacked out at Fratroys then capped things off with Mad Mushroom cheese sticks.

We awoke homecoming morning to a glorious sunny day in B-town. We headed over to the ol frat house for a quick ceremony and were reminded 1) that we were really old and 2) somehow the old coots who ran things when we were in school are still alive and kicking. After a quick lunch we decided it was finally close enough to kick off that we could start tailgating.

note: This was our first 7:00 kickoff homecoming. It was absolutely incredible to not have to to wake up at 7:00 and bust your ass to to get hammered before the game.

We kicked things off at our old guy tailgate before heading across the way to the Frat tailgate. I was horrified by the mob scene that now passes for a tailgate, but quickly came around when a young guy grabbed me, introduced himself and told me he reads the blog. My pride hit a peak for the weekend at that point.

We tailgated up until gametime before heading in to see another great Hoosier victory. We decided to celebrate our great win by tailgating to well past midnight. During this time Bad and Doo Doo snuck on the field and took pictures with the Rock and Drunk and all got incredibly hammered and started singing any song that came to our head. Our singing sparked an idea with drunk Jeff to Lavaliere his girlfriend, so he stood her up in the corner and we all sung our frat's girl song to her. Even though this was far from a real lavaliere (no coat and tie, not at the wells house, no candles, no active members of the frat, no necklace, etc.) Can Can decided it was his duty to send Jeff swimming. As soon as the tailgate was cleaned up Can Can and T-Eck had organized a frat house sober driver and headed off to campus to throw Jeff in whatever water they could find.

That left Bapp, Bad, Benny B, Doo Doo and I to head to Kirkwood. We lost Benny B and Doo Doo on the way as they again stopped by their old house to converse with the current residents. The rest of us made it to upstairs to start downing some AMF's to try to get more drunk. T-Eck, Jeff and Can Can soon arrived to tell us that Jeff had been first thrown in the disgusting pond in the aboredum then washed off by swimming naked in Showalter fountain. Doo and Benny then arrived to tell us that the kids now living in their house think it is haunted because the keg man that had disappeared the night before was positioned on their hood in the a.m.

We then headed over to Fratroys one more time to cap the night off. I again thought I was doing a pretty good job hitting on chicks. I ended up with a phone number of a grad living in chitown who I thought was pretty good looking. Upon facebook stalking on monday she was revealed to have a face that could make an onion cry. Around Bar time we collected out belongings, stumbled to Rockits pizza, then finally arrived back at the condo, narrowly avoiding a fight and losing Benny for at least 20 minutes along the way.

We closed things out the next day with a great lunch at Buffalo Louie's and exchanged the weekends war stories. Another Happy Hoosier Homecoming.

Is there Anything More Annoying...

2009-10-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

I used to put having a barber trying to start a conversation with you as one of the single most annoying/awkward social moments of semi-daily life. Unless, you are smoking hot I do not want to talk to you. I also hate when they start asking about work. I always feel bad saying I doing anything more than working for minimum wage to someone who has to feel people hair all day and make pointless small talk. Plus, I always go to the cheapest place I can find where, how can I put this nicely, the green card status is a bit of an unknown.

Then, I went to the dentist last night and I was reminded that the barber doesn't come close. At this at the barber you can give an answer to their stupid questions. At the dentist you're forced to gurgle with all the crap they have in your mouth.

You know it's a...

2009-10-17T06:35:00.001-07:00

You know it's a good night when drunk Jeff gets thrown out of frat Roy's for peeing in the garbage can.
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Losing My Youth, but Still Losing A Lot of Stuff

2009-10-12T06:08:00.000-07:00

For the past few weekends I have been on an unfortunate (and expensive) streak of losing stuff. Down in Bloomington, I somehow lost my glasses at a bar, then followed up by losing their replacement two weeks later also at a bar. I followed up both of those disasters by losing my keys in Bloomington the next weekend. So needless to say, Ive been feeling pretty bad lately about my drunken responsibility level.

This weekend I finally managed to make it through the weekend by pulling off a near perfect drunken weekend; managed to spend relatively few bucks, worked out Saturday and Sunday, didn't lose anything, didn't blackout but got hammered Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and I'm not hungover as I'm typing this! The only thing missing was hooking up and an IU victory, but both of those are so rare I can hardly complain.

Unfortunately, for my friends Doo and Kerndog their weekends were not quite as successful. My buddy Doo Doo was in town to watch his girlfriend run the Chicago Marathon then to recruit for his company at Northwestern this week. Saturday night we went to watch the US Soccer game via closed circuit TV , but the bar we went to wasn't letting anymore people in. So Doo Doo and Kerndog took a cab across the city to pay a $15 cover for half of a soccer game while the rest of us stayed behind, not the cheapest decision. This blunder would be the start of a terrible chain of events involving their wallets.

The day after cheering his girlfriend along the route Doo Doo came to meet us at the bar we were watching football at. Upon walking into the bar he was carded and he immediately realized that he left his wallet in the cab. He quickly retreated back to my pad to call yellow cab, but was unsuccessful in locating it. After Fundaying it a bit longer we decided to pack it up for the day after the Kerndog passed out at the bar. Upon getting back to my place I immediately hit the sack around 6:00 while Kerndog, the chick he is hooking up with and Doo continued to rage it for the Baseball games and Sunday night football.

This morning I awoke to a trashed living room of pizza boxes, empty beer bottles, and a half finished bottle of Captain. Doo Doo was on the couch trying to clean up and re-organize for his week of work in Chicago. We then headed over to the ATM to get him some petty cash and he filled me in on the night's activities. Later that evening they decided to order pizza and at this point Kerndog found out that he also had lost his wallet, most likely also in a cab. Undeterred they then turned to the girl they were with and she realized that she had left her credit card at the bar. This was another significant setback, but not a game killer as they then called my other roommate to get his credit card number so they could order pizza (I have no idea why they just didn't walk into my room and get mine, but I'm all for the decision to let me sleep!).

So the weekend ended with two lost wallets and credit card at the bar. Doo Doo now has borrowed cash and my car from me and had his roommate overnight his passport from Minnesota. He also has the added pleasure of being on the road for work for the next week and has Homecoming approaching next weekend, where surely he will lose more stuff. Suddenly a couple missing pairs of glasses don't seem so bad.

The Streak is Over

2009-09-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend marked the end of one of my more impressive streaks. Friday marked the first time since I moved to Chicago that I did not make it out on a Friday night. I was asleep on the couch by 10. I was really feeling my age until I got the following text from my brother's girlfriend:

Bad's brother visited the other week and had me convinced that he was 19 and lived at McNutt.

I still got it!

Updated... I also had the added shame/pride of walking around work with a hickey on Monday. My boss called me out first thing Monday morning, but i was so hungover that I had no clue. Definitely felt like I was in high school, which sometimes can be a good thing.

Some Random Thoughts

2009-09-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

Amazing how age tempers my rage for pro athletes.
When I was younger I was furious if any athlete got into trouble. Barkley in a bar fight? What a Jerk!

Now, I read a lot of headlines and hear Sports Center anchors ripping on these guys. For What? Being Awesome?

How could Chmura hit on hs girls?
How Shockey get taken to the hospital in Vegas for drinking too much and getting dehydrated?

This sounds exactly like me.

-

Some people, especially girls, love to eat out. I hate it. I would
much rather spend the money on booze. The one form of eating I really
do enjoy is brunch on sunday at a byob place.

1) I feel like I;m getting away with something by bringing in booze.
2) It makes me feel less bad having a screwdriver on a sunday. After that I had no choice but to keep the buzz going. (Also why I enjoy the NFL, the game wasn't on at home. I HAD to go to a bar).

-

When I wake up from a blacked out night, the first I do is check for wallet, cell phone, glasses and keys in that order. The next step is checking the phone for any dumb phone calls/texts. The advent of Twitter has added yet another step to my routine. Two weeks ago I sent some sort of jibber jabber out to the world that I still have yet to decipher.

Going Back to Cali

2009-09-22T14:58:00.001-07:00

As I referenced in my last post I headed out to California to visit some fraternity brothers, soak up some California sun before the looming Chicago gray sky, and hit the Blink 182 concert. I was discussing my upcoming weekend with a co-worker and she remarked, "Blink, Weezer? What is this 1999?" I laughed off her piercing comment all the more determined to live it up all weekend as though I was a freshman in 99.

The plane ride consisted of me barely making my flight due to TSA incompetence, then sitting back and ordering $6 beers. Its funny how in college when I was used to college drink pricing I would have never paid such an outrageous fee. Now living in Chicago and factoring in tip, 6 bucks for a Heineken doesn't seem all that bad. I should also throw in that pre 9/11 I would just bring a bunch of mini beams (ah the good ol days of flying!).

Upon landing in Irvine I was greeted by TP and we headed out for some cocktails on the beach before cruising to the concert. Another fraternity brother Anil scored us a box seat and far more importantly VIP parking. It's funny how as you age your parking spot becomes so much more important than your actual seat. We had a great time and due to our great parking/exit we made it home by midnight. I can't tell you how amazing that felt in the morning when I woke up at 6 west coast time.

Since I woke up way too early I immediately roused TP for my first lesson. Unfortunately, he recently added to his already impressive display of ink, thus was unable to guide me as I struggled to ride. I was reduced to trying to remember Patrick Sawyze advice to Keanu in Point Break. It should come as no surprise that I failed miserably.

After I threw in the towel I headed to work with TP. Wow, all I have to say is thought my job was fake. That night we met up with our buddies Nicky and Paulie for some bars before I blacked out at some unreasonable hour.

I arose in the am still hammered from the night before, but determined to hit the nearby gym. Ironically Nick and Paul lived right down the block form my gym in LA. I was unbelievably stoked to see hot LA chicks with massive fake boobs and ample rib covered in spandex. Upon arrival my glee turned to supreme disappointment as the talent clearly was at a much trendier gym.

After getting home we headed out to bar for the IU game. I was I could tell you all the awesome stuff that happened, but we started playing the quarter game way too early. Since TP refused to play, Nicky, Paul, and I were all anihialated real quick. I blacked out soon therafter and the next thing I remember is being fully showered, wearing different clothes at some trendy bar in a back private room with food watching the Marquez Mayweather fight. It could have been the all-time best emerge from blackout to find yourself in a great spot (obviously not involving blacking out and waking up next to a hot chick with a used condom on the floor).

Things quickly took a turn for the worse when I recalled that I haad bet taht Marquez would win the fight. I saw in horror that he was getting murdered and recalled that instaed of bettnig money I said I would drink my own piss (I'm welching!). I also discovered a bruise on my tailbone and was informed that I fell in the bathroom the while trying to shower.

After the fight concluded we continued to barhop and landed at some bar with the claw game, but instead of funny toys it featured Live Lobsters. I have no idea how I didn't spend hundreds determined to win.

I awoke the next morning to some bizarre sent texts (after two days of staring at them I have no idea what I was trying to say) and Step Brothers on TV. This caused me to immediately crack a beer and continue my Funday until I was safely passed out on the plane. When I awoke in Chicago I made the slow death march home which did include me getting on the wrong bus and taking a 15 minute detour (don't ask).

All in all one of the best rips I've ever had. Not too long, No arrests, No crushing Vegas hangover, no sunburn, and an overall lack of recollection. I love nights where you aren't totally sure what happened but you know you had fun! (I'm sure TP will chime in with some comments!)

Work and Working Out

2009-09-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm on the road in LA this weekend meeting my buddies, Nicky, Pauly, TP and Anil. I spent last night at the Blink182/Weezer concert and attempted (I stress attempted) to surf this morning. Hopefully I will have a full post next week recounting this weekends antics. However, I took the time during my plane ride to write a bunch of incoherent thoughts down that may by amusing!

Thoughts on my job: There are a lot of things I love about my job. I'm basically my own boss. I spend most of the day on Facebook, browsing the web and writing, plus I have a get to work in sports. Its a pretty good gig however there are several things that really suck.

1) I don't work with any hot girls which really sucks. Over the summer we had a really smart intern from U of Chicago being our gopher, however he wasn't that good. So now I'm looking for a new intern based strictly on looks.

2) Our bathroom at work is a single unisex room. Currently I have no problem unleashing knowing no hot chick will follow me. However, my new intern may force me to completely re-arrange my habits. My buddy Drunk Jeff is so worried about unleashing at work that he refuses to go all together. I hope my intern isn't that hot.

3) I can't explain my job to people at a bar. When I do they either don't believe me or laugh and say "They pay you?" I prefer to take the Costanza route and say I'm a marine biologist or an architect.

Thoughts on the gym: My gym membership is up soon, unlike shopping for apartments, which I would put in the top 10 of most agonizing things of all time, I'm looking forward to venturing to a new land of ellipticals and women in spandex- who am I kidding my job is fake the work gym is a block away and I can go during lunch!

1) I've seen two girls at my gym, who at one time I was really trying to mack,...now not so much.

2) I understand aerobics,spin, yoga, pilates yogalites instructors, but who is the moron yelling at people on the treadmill to go 85 pct on an incline?

3) Why do old people have no problem being naked in the locker room? They truly were the greatest generation.

4) Since I work with all college athletes I see some pretty weird exercises by my friends. I secretly would like to try them but no I would be instantly ridiculed for "poor form"-whatever while u were practicing form I was feeding freshman a steady diet of natty light and vodka.

5) I work out on the weekend. I usually go while my buddies are still cuddling with their girlfriends and my dog is asleep in his pound. When I return they usually make fun of me. However, a bunch of my same friends all compete in the Chicago Tri-athlon, I did it twice and kicked their ass, but they dismissed my victory, because I work out on the weekend. So, you are deliberately trying to get in half ass shape?

See ya next week!

I hope this VIP...

2009-09-17T19:11:00.001-07:00

I hope this VIP truck has it's (?) broadcast.
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Living with a Dog

2009-09-10T07:17:00.000-07:00

My big news over the last 2 months was moving into a new house with my old roommate Can Can, and my old roommate from 3 years ago the KernDog. Since moving in a few things have changed while others have stayed the same.

Is 28 too old to live in house with all-Ikea furniture? I say no.

The biggest change about living with a dog is the TV situation. I'm now outnumbered by Bengals fans 2 to 1. Can Can and I previously had veto power against each others TV watching. For instance no Real World Road Rules Challenge for me and no FoodNetwork People Who love Being Fat for him. This new arrangement has left me forced to either watch Ocho Cinco make an ass of himself or retreat to my bedroom to read.

Another big change is that we now have food in the house whereas previously I was surrounded by only microwave popcorn and lean cuisines. The Kerndog is a bit portly so he sustains himself with snacks galore. Since I'm manorexic this means I'm pissed about eating more crap and my friends are glad I'm eating something.

The other big change about living with Kern now vs 3 years ago is he now attends the Chicago school of Business. Its quite clear he is hoping this new achievement will lift his macking ability and make him more of a catch so he takes every opportunity to remind everyone he has to study. He is best know for responding to every group email proposing some drinking event with I can't I have group work, study session, test, mid-terms etc. Its gotten to the point where he just needs to set up an out of office reminder that he attends Chicago.

Finally one more rip on the Dog before I move on to more material; I've noticed he is the world's worst introducer. This wouldn't bother me so much except I'm the worst at remembering who people are. I've made an ass of myself several times introducing myself to chicks I've already met. I'm pretty sure the Dog know this, and now uses it put me in the awkward floating outside of the conversation position. I'm not sure if he forgot to introduce me or I'm supposed to know this person. I usually just nod my head and laugh.

A few other thoughts:

At the age of 28 I no longer have multiple Gmail convos going at work. In fact many of our conversations are simply ignored by people on the email. This clearly means they are munching box for the evening with the gf. Wouldn't it just be easier if they updated their Facebook/Gtalk/BBM status with Up for fun or leave me alone?

Yet another member of my close friends has acquired what I would call a girlfriend placing me firmly in the camp of an extremely endangered species in our group: the single man with no prospects. I'm starting to feel like Sean Connery/Draco the Dragon in Dragon Heart. "I am the Last!" While this clearly is terrifying to me, I've decided to do absolutely nothing about it, no attempting to date anyone until IU football season is over. This prevent defense won't allow another Lord Voldermort to smash my claw.

Happy Thursday Everyone!

Return to the Promised Land

2009-09-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

IU opened up the football season this past Thursday night, so we headed down for another journey through America's Heartland. I got picked up at noon by Bapp 5 and my brother and we immediately cracked beers and jumped on the highway. We flew to B-town without incident to meet Drunk Jeff, the Browns, Henkes, Pukas, Thumbs Cunningham, and several other BoKapps. We immediately headed over to the student tailgating field to lear at young-ens with rib. Bad and I ran into our incalcuably rich/hot neighbor from back home who is now a Senior at Alpha Chi. I soon felt my age crept back to the old man lot.

The actual game was quite uneventful other than finishing several flasks as we attempted to watch the horror that is known as IU's new pistol offense. As soon as the game was over we loaded up the explorer for the short navigation back to the frat house. After an expert navigation Bad decided to have some fun with everyone, by throwing a quick donut on the lawn, thus enraging Bapp5. Bapp continued to steam as Bad drove in circles until he actually threw a fist at Bad that connected with his shoulder. Pukas quickly grabbed Bapp and we parked immediately.

We headed into BoKapps for a quick spin around the house and pounded some Fratty Lights before we headed out to Fratwood where we again rain into another incalcuably hot neighbor from home who again really made me feel my age. A few shots and beam and cokes later we headed to Upstairs where I was told that I was too drunk to enter. Not to be stopped we headed to Nick's for sink the biz where my night got real hazy. (note: Yes, I did take a 5 hour energy otherwise this break neck pace would not have been possible). After a few rounds we again attempted to hit Upstairs before being turned away for a second time (the bouncer got even angrier at me).

Being sufficiently hammered I sketched out from the group, grabbed Jimmy Johns and headed back to the Henkes condo to sleep for the night. Unfortunately upon arrival I realized that their front code had changed and set off on the trail of tears for PiKapps. By some miracle a cab passed me and immediately flagged him down to return to the house where I met Bapp and Pukas. Apparently, the modern frat guy does not have enough beer, only grape vodka, to last until 4, so we had a quick safety meeting before deciding to cash things in around 4:30. However, being extremely safe I made the brilliant decision to spend the nigh sleeping in the trunk of my Explorer.

After 3 hours glorious hours of rest I arose and head into the house to refuel with coffee and Friday morning breakfast (I was quite shocked/pleased to see we now have a waffle maker!). We all assembled at the house to say hello to our house mom and exchange the nights horror/success stories. The clear loser/winner was Bad who slept in the same bed of one of his now graduated GF's friends. She greeted him by peeing on him. We finally departed from Lake Wawasee Indiana after Drunk Jeff posted dude porn on all the computer lab stations.

I was driving up to the lake, so upon stopping for gas Drunk Jeff picked up three flavors of Mad Dog to ensure the rest of the car would be hammered by the time we got there. At first Bapp5 was the group pussy complaining endlessly about his grape flavored Mad Dog. He was quite persistent until Bad informed him, "That its all downhill once you hit the Orange Jubilee."

His prophecy proved correct as we soon we stopping at a Mejer for more beer, scratch offs, velcro shoes, chips and jerky. Another hour later we stopped to pick corn from a road side stand where we bartered for corn with beer. Another case down we hit the Henke's lake house where I was finally able to join in the fun. The night was a casual night of drinking way too much and eating fantastic snacks. I cashed it in early around midnight only to be woken up by Bad and Jeff a few hours later with several slaps to the back. Enraged, I lashed out and successfully applied "treatment" for Jeff's poor attitude by placing him in an ankle lock and breaking his toe.

After a few more hours sleep I was awoken by the sound of Man/Bear/Pig aka Bapp5's incredible snoring. I went for a quick run and swim and started to fuel up with coffee. Unfortunately just as we were heading out for breakfast the weekend started to catch up with me and I got a mean case of the shakes/stomach pain. I managed to fight through breakfast, but Drunk Jeff was not so lucky and he headed to the bathroom to boot. Once we returned home Bad was also a victim to the boot and had to call me on his cell to bring him TP.

So naturally with everyone feeling near death we started drinking again. The day mostly consisted of Bad and I trying to up one another with ridiculous statements. My favorite was when Bad was questioned by one of the Henke's good friends as to why he was wearing a Soviet Union T-shirt. "Well, since we turning socialist, I figured I'd stay ahead of the curve." Another was "You two don't have any sisters do you?" "Well, we had a sister named Brenda but we killed her because the inheritance wont split three ways."

That night, we had another feast, pounded some cocktails and then things blurred out. We where awoken in am by Bad who after 3 hours of sleep had to navigate back to Milwaukee for a sailboat race. To stay awake he blasted the IU Band CD nearly the entire drive making up new lyrics and occasionally rolling down the window to yell about Obama. Finally upon arriving in Chicago we realized we had just driven off with Jeff's work computer, wallet, and bag. Whoops.

Solid ending to a solid weekend. And now we get to go back for next weeks game in only 4 more days!

Wednesday Quickie

2009-09-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

-What is the point of Amazon, Priceline and any other website I buy stuff off saving my credit card? I assuredly will lose it at a bar in between purchases.

-Yesterday, I had the shame/pride of having a picture of me giving the Bat-Wing posted on Facebook by an oblivious girl (either that or she REALLY hates me). If you don't know what the bat-wing is I suggest you rent Waiting starring Ryan Reynolds. If you saw the picture and you're a dude, you have several kicks coming.

-Finally, I received an invite to my 10 year HS reunion along with a quick questionnaire.
1) the fact that it was delivered via Facebook is a true sign of the times.
2) the fact that half the questions were about marriage/kids makes me feel real old
3) I can't wait to head back to college this weekend and try to drink so much that I forget my age.

Hopefully, I'm back Tuesday with some great stories of a 5 day weekend!

I Should Have Thought of This!

2009-08-27T09:44:00.001-07:00

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

If Only it Wasn't Sunday

2009-08-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

After another fantastic weekend in Chicago saying goodbye to former roommate who doesn't wish to be named on blog,but strangely enough started his own blog, we arose on Sunday still a bit tipsy. Out of pure instinct Can Can grabbed the bottle of Jack and we fired up the Home Box Office. Naturally we found ourselves watching Mama Mia and soon enough I was dancing on the couch to Take a Chance (I would like to point out that I am perfectly comfortable with my maleness). Out of nowhere our neighbor appeared in our window giving us a death stare. This quickly ended our Mama Mia watching.

We then headed over to grab brunch with a crew where I ran into an awkward encounter with my college prom date and her family. Yes, I did go to prom while I was a sophomore in college with a fraternity brother's little sister. Long Story. I again got a death stare.

After a bloody mary and rum and OJ we were now ready to continue the day at the beach. Despite Can Can's protests I insisted on taking a long walk across the beach in search of talent. While the picking were slimmer than usual due to slightly cooler weather, we settled into a spot with some rib on both sides.

After breaking out our cooler of bras we were approached by a group of ladies and a dude inquiring about Can Can's IU hat. They were all going to be juniors at IU. Soon they were asking us where they could buy booze and the dude with them set off for the liquor store.

He naturally, returned with a bottle of vodka, and the 20 year olds mixed their favorite Powerade and vodka mixes. Gradually, their group moved over to ours and we continued to chat. I was soon talking to the dude in the group and he revealed he was a 20 year Fiji at IU. He further explained that last night he remembers being hammered at the Bears game, blacking out and then finding himself in Bears jail. He was given the choice between jail or the hospital and naturally chose the hospital. He just shrugged off the story and continued to pound vodka.

Unfortunately we ran out of bras so we had to head up to Castaways and could not continue macking. As soon as we were out of sight we immediately traded regrets that it wasn't a Saturday, because there is no way we wouldn't have continued to mack and try to saw. If it was a Saturday I would have put the saw rate around 42%. Oh well, we continued our Funday with various Body Builders on roids, old creepy dudes and underage drunks.

Things were going as usual when out of nowhere the fiji from earlier appeared at castaways with one of the underage girls. He was clearly completely blacked out and barely able to stand. He immediately reminded my of myself, after running into the law he simply bounced right back learning absolutely nothing. Eventually, he got the girl thrown out for buying her a shot (after all it was her 20th b-day) and soon disappeared.

As we returned home Tully made the remark, "the worst part is, he will feel better than all of us in the am." All in all a fantastic day, but I really wish it would have been a Saturday!

Great Link for a Friday

2009-08-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

Unbelievably funny site. This guy just posts stuff on Craiglist then goes back and forth demanding the most ridiculous stuff imaginable.

example:

he following post is a set of e-mails from me actually trying to sell my TV. I guess I was asking too much for it.

Original ad:
PLASMA HDTV - $850
I'm selling my 42" 720p Samsung Plasma TV (PN42A410). I bought it a year ago and there is nothing wrong with it. I just want to get a bigger TV with more P's.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

hey will you take $700 for it

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

You are asking me to drop the price by $150. I am willing to do this if you let me shoot you in the groin with my paintball gun 20 times in a row. You can't wear a cup. I get to set the velocity to 450 FPS.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

seriously?

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

Yes. 20 shots and its yours.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

uhh no. hows $750 sound

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

Do you have a girlfriend? If you do, and she is hot (I'll need pics), and she blows me, you can have the TV for $750. You can't watch either.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

fuck off dude

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

Tell you what, I'll sell it to you for $900 and you won't have to do any of that stuff.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

wtf your ad said $850

From Me to ************@yahoo.com

I added $50 for you trying to haggle me. I'll remove this $50 haggling fee if you let me break an empty vodka bottle over your head.

From ************@yahoo.com to Me

fuck off

Adventures With Bruce

2009-08-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

The gang headed up to my lake cottage for the weekend for a few bras and some laughs.

I was peeing on one side of the lawn as my brother was throwing up on the the other side (my friends had poisoned his beer with a beetle). My Dad Bruce, who had just arrived and made us carry dirt all of the place, starting boiling over and shouted the classic line, "This isn't the Frat House, this is MY HOUSE!"

Proudest Post IU Moment

2009-08-20T12:03:00.001-07:00

I got the Following Email from Can Can today and am currently busting with pride!

I had to take our new hire out to lunch today. We were on the way back when he asked what house I was in at IU. I told him, “Bo Kapps.” Turns out, so was he, graduated in May ’09. I asked if he knew Bad. He said, “not really, but I know who he is, he’s kind of a legend.” I asked if he knew ofBD. He said, “Yes, he’s kind of a legend too.” I asked in a good way, or a bad way. He said, “Kind of both, I guess.”

Anyway, for reasons either good or bad, you have left their mark on Indiana University.

Funday Scale

2009-08-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

Sunday Funday is an interesting animal. While it can be an incredibly awesome day, it can also lead to some incredibly miserable Mondays. Today is one of those days. In honor of today's misery I'm launching my Official Steating and Chealing Sunday Funday Scale.

A Bloody Mary at breakfast to chill the hangover
A Beer at dinner
A few afternoon beers at lunch
I got a pretty good buzz going during the game
I fell asleep pretty early last night
I did what yesterday?
I woke up hammered and it just kinda escalted from there
I don't even remember yesterday existed.

I'm at the last point. According to some text messages sent from my phone, yesterday apparently did in fact happen. However, my memory firmly disagrees with that point.